long time no speak.

I let myself realize today that if I don't get out of the city, I will never grow up. that is to say that I had a conversation with my dad tonight about transferring colleges and he keeps saying that I should stay in the city to have him & mom as a support system but I need to get out and do this myself. I need to be able to pull myself up from the shit and be an independent person. I don't think that's an unrealistic goal to have -- in fact, I think it's a very important goal to have. no?

blech.

idonothavetimetowriteanymore. imissmyoldlife. ihavesomanythingsicouldwriteaboutbuthavenotime.

BLECH.

post-jamaica tales.

so pictures are up, presents have been given and my suitcase (obviously) remains packed. maybe I'm tricking myself that I'll go on vacation sooner than expected. which is silly because I go to LA in february, only a matter of weeks. anyway, jamaica was wonderful and beautiful and so much fun. I look like a 6 year old with my hair braided which is no problem simply because I thoroughly enjoy looking like a 6 year old. no lie.

lots going on this week, considering I just got home yesterday night. I was supposed to help interview for macaulay, but...I was tired and couldn't access the google spreadsheat, therefore I canceled. spent today lounging, phone interview tomorrow then work, then try-out day with a fashion company in soho...yeesh.

speaking of fashion, I didn't post my favorites for spring/summer rtw 2011. obviously (really, obviously) there was bcbg max azria coming in at number one with their lovely color palette, and interesting shapes, flowy & billowing fabrics and minimalistic loveliness. vena cava was also (surprisingly) beautiful and much more tame than usual. their neutrals were a little darker than bcbg's but that's only normal of vena cava, which goes for an edgier, bolder look. and I found this designer I hadn't really looked at before, rachel comey who was WONDERFUL. like when I say fantastic I really mean fantastic. great shapes, great fabrics, great patterns, great colors, great line. such a good updated 50's look to everything she did I couldn't NOT love it more.

my bcbg max azria favorites:












and then my vena cava favorites:












okay and then last but certainly not least, rachel comey:












remember: crop tops are huge and long skirts are in -- short on top, long on bottom!

staycation...for now.

well, vacation is fun. what a boring sentence. knowing myself, vacation is never just sitting on my ass (I'm no good at that) so I've been working the two jobs and reading reading reading. I need more. confession time: after reading eat pray love, I've been wanting to take a yoga class so when my friend rachel suggested we go to one, I jumped at the opportunity. now, yoga is very good for you mind and body, I don't dispute that, but I swear I cannot get myself to stop laughing when I hear people making funny breathing noises. I get that that's what you're supposed to do, but it's just too funny. I'm sitting back there breathing normally and this woman in the front was busy orgasming. am I missing something about yoga? either that or I know how to continue breathing while contorting myself into really odd poses.

so I'm busy baking cookies and trying out yoga. some new things, some old things. that seems like a pretty happy new year to me.

home, sweet home.

ah, the end of the semester means my nice, warm (and did I mention extra-large by college standards?) bed, my family and my kitchen. even though I have a kitchen at college, there's something so comforting about baking at home, in my big, fancy kitchen -- a place where the oven temperature is accurate, I don't have to buy flour and granulated sugar and cookbooks abound. it's pretty much the promise land of all kitchens.

and so I'm sitting in my kitchen, baking peanut butter cookies and I realized something amazing. I love cocoa nibs. for anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about, nibs are these little, crunchy cocoa bits, usually unsweetened. I never really used to like them until dad got these delicious ones from scharffen berger and now, I have to tell you, they are blowing my mind. winter break is wonderful.

I'm reading eat, pray, love right now and it's giving me such perspective. I think I might have needed to be reminded of the importance of impermanence and ephemeral aspect of life and emotions that the buddhists place such an emphasis on. it's importance to put everything in perspective and I don't think I've been doing that often enough. not that I'm a yoga-doing-vegan-food-eating type of person (I'm much more of a gym-going-treadmill-running-meat-eating individual) but there's something so appealing in the dominant ideas of eastern religions, something that I really want to ingrain and inculcate into my head.

relating to such ideas, I went to the rubin museum of art today -- highly recommended. it's a beautiful museum of eastern art and it's such a place of zen. related perfectly to my choice of reading these days.

and now, time to munch on some cookies and drink wine with mom. did I mention that I love home?

...

dear life,

please strike me with some creativity. I feel deprived.

thanks,
sarah.

death, suffering & numbness.

so last night my cat died. my cat, who I always joked I hated, who really had nine lives, who used to like nothing better than to curl up on the mat in the kitchen, who we got because 14 years ago I used to feed him on the back porch of my country house, died from tumors last night. they attacked his stomach & colon and I watched him convulse and listened to him cry all of yesterday afternoon until dad got a call from mom around midnight that he was gone.

and this comes around the same time as dan and I are on the verge of breaking up. we didn't, but it was a definite possibility.

and so I feel numb. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm not hungry, it was hard falling asleep and I woke up a hundred million times this morning and forced myself back to bed until, at 11:10 I deemed it time to wake up. at 2 I forced myself to eat something. I'm trying to focus on nietzsche but that doesn't look like it'll happen today until much later. maybe just a day of the OC with me, marissa, seth, ryan & summer? I wish I knew how to feel.