ever wondered why guys don't ever open up?

after a conversation last night with the boy, I realized I was one step from becoming the whiney, needy girlfriend! that is not who I want to be! at all! I realized right before taking the wrong step (luckily I stepped back to psychoanalyze myself and my behavior at the right moment) that I was about to ask the wrong questions and make the wrong assumptions that would, in effect, push the boy away.

see when guys open up (maybe this is just my guy), they talk about how it's hard being at parties when I'm not there. he said last night "I'm a guy" and I wanted to shout, "yeah, you have testosterone -- I get it!" but it's like to another girl (okay maybe I'm giving myself a little credit here) "wow, you don't want to be with me, you'd rather be hookin' up with randoms." now I know that the boy loves me a lot and does really want to be in a relationship with me, so I didn't say that, but see how freakin' easily the story could get spun way damn out of proportion?

exactly. so my theory is that boys (to save their own asses) don't open up very frequently because it's usually stuff that they know we won't be cool about. be honest, girls freak more than guys, it happens whatever but don't then go freaking probing about shit you don't wanna hear. it's like ma always says: don't ask questions you don't want answers for. smart ma.

new, old tune?

gayspantion.

so I was thinking about it on my way home as I listened to the this american life from last week (why I related homosexuality to a podcast about life in iraq after us is beyond me) and it kind of just came to me that homosexuality has become a huge issue over the past few years. look at the kids are allright and everything that has come out recently about prop. 8 in california, don't ask don't tell in the military, even in a psychology research credit I did today about images and the emotions they provoke and, maybe it's just me, but there seem to be a lot more gay couples who are comfortable with pda.

honestly, all the power to the homosexuality movement. I'm a big proponent. I'm not lesbian myself, but hey, who am I telling someone who they should love and want to spend the rest of their life with? if I can marry someone I love, why can't you?

on love and loss?

I realized last night that when you sign up to be married to someone, you're asking for them to be there for your entire life. and one of you has to die first. so how do you adjust to that?

I had a really nice conversation with my mom about love and all that fun stuff earlier as she drove me home from...home. well, back to my dorm from home. I was really upset by dan being away earlier and we just got to talking and it's so scary to think that you could set yourself up to spend the rest of your life with someone and they can be someone you totally didn't expect, you know?

on to kant. enough with love.

headachey.

there's something about picking courses for next semester that poses this big, daunting question mark over my head. I just can't decide what to do. do I want to take music history, art history, communications...so many options, I have no idea what to do.

I also have a headache right now and I should be studying psych but I'm taking my break because I finished reviewing the first part that I had blocked off on my study guide...ugh so much to do.

blech.

just going to put it out there that having dinner at midnight is so not all it's cracked up to be. especially when you have to come home to do more work. and, oh look, it's 12:41am and I wanted to read half of rousseau's book I and finish reading & taking notes on this 25-page anthropology reading (only because I did the other two 14-page readings last night, of course). oh and did I happen to mention that lovely meeting with my advisor that I have tomorrow morning at 11am? so hopefully I'll be in bed by 2am (only 4 pages of this anthro reading left!) to wake up at 10am. if not, it's another night of 7 hours of sleep. manageable, but not enough according to my psych professor.

so the other night while dan was home I met his ex (!). I know, shocker of all shocks! so not only does this girl cause some drama about me coming along (mind you, she wasn't even supposed to be there) she awkwardly doesn't give dan a hug at the end of the night, nor does she introduce herself to me or say goodbye. oh and this process happens again on sunday to something that she really wasn't even invited to and showed up late to...a little rude.

just funny because I've been buggin' about this girl for how long and she is so not a threat at all. I didn't even feel myself being extra show-offy to get in her face (okay maybe I showed off that me and dan were in a relationship a little, but ONLY a little I swear!). it's just so interesting that expectations & reality didn't collide at all -- I didn't feel threatened or nervous, I was comfortable and myself. I was glad to be in my shoes. granted, I also know that both people cannot be comfortable at the same time when there's an awkward situation, so the best way to intimidate anyone else is to just have fun, be cool and be yourself. if you're confident, they can't be.