home, sweet home.

ah, the end of the semester means my nice, warm (and did I mention extra-large by college standards?) bed, my family and my kitchen. even though I have a kitchen at college, there's something so comforting about baking at home, in my big, fancy kitchen -- a place where the oven temperature is accurate, I don't have to buy flour and granulated sugar and cookbooks abound. it's pretty much the promise land of all kitchens.

and so I'm sitting in my kitchen, baking peanut butter cookies and I realized something amazing. I love cocoa nibs. for anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about, nibs are these little, crunchy cocoa bits, usually unsweetened. I never really used to like them until dad got these delicious ones from scharffen berger and now, I have to tell you, they are blowing my mind. winter break is wonderful.

I'm reading eat, pray, love right now and it's giving me such perspective. I think I might have needed to be reminded of the importance of impermanence and ephemeral aspect of life and emotions that the buddhists place such an emphasis on. it's importance to put everything in perspective and I don't think I've been doing that often enough. not that I'm a yoga-doing-vegan-food-eating type of person (I'm much more of a gym-going-treadmill-running-meat-eating individual) but there's something so appealing in the dominant ideas of eastern religions, something that I really want to ingrain and inculcate into my head.

relating to such ideas, I went to the rubin museum of art today -- highly recommended. it's a beautiful museum of eastern art and it's such a place of zen. related perfectly to my choice of reading these days.

and now, time to munch on some cookies and drink wine with mom. did I mention that I love home?

...

dear life,

please strike me with some creativity. I feel deprived.

thanks,
sarah.

death, suffering & numbness.

so last night my cat died. my cat, who I always joked I hated, who really had nine lives, who used to like nothing better than to curl up on the mat in the kitchen, who we got because 14 years ago I used to feed him on the back porch of my country house, died from tumors last night. they attacked his stomach & colon and I watched him convulse and listened to him cry all of yesterday afternoon until dad got a call from mom around midnight that he was gone.

and this comes around the same time as dan and I are on the verge of breaking up. we didn't, but it was a definite possibility.

and so I feel numb. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm not hungry, it was hard falling asleep and I woke up a hundred million times this morning and forced myself back to bed until, at 11:10 I deemed it time to wake up. at 2 I forced myself to eat something. I'm trying to focus on nietzsche but that doesn't look like it'll happen today until much later. maybe just a day of the OC with me, marissa, seth, ryan & summer? I wish I knew how to feel.

laughing with leelee, a retrospective.

so I realized today that I started this blog pretty much a year ago and I was at such a totally different place in my life -- it's crazy to think that you'll be able to predict the outcome of future events. really, you cannot. last year, my life looked a little like this: unsure where I would get in to college, unsure where I would go to college, unsure where I would even end up applying to college (!), confused/crazy/upset with dan, kind of involved with someone else, feeling miserable on a daily basis (not in a depressed way, just in a shitty way), challenging myself to find myself & be comfortable with myself and convinced that nothing would work out in the end.

well. hello macaulay. hello coming to terms with college acceptances/rejections/waitlistings. hello dan. hello prom. hello self. hello happiness. hello college friends. hello new life. hello typical sarah.

things just worked out. didn't I always say that they would? and I am so grateful they did. reading back I was so unhappy with so much of what was going on and now I'm just kind of floating, existing, being. and I'm happy. granted, I still regret not getting into columbia, but whatever. I'm at macaulay. I went grocery shopping today. I went out for dinner tonight. please. I am happy.

I'm glad I started this blog to challenge myself to think about the world, others and myself. it was a good project, a good endeavor. it gave me a lot of space to think out things and gave a lot of other people a good read. all in all, well done, self.

apocalyptica?

so I'm not usually the type of person to be swayed by politics. for the most part I'm pretty down to earth, maintaining an everything-will-be-fine attitude. well, with these crazy wikileaks, I'm suddenly feeling this burden of "oh no, what if everything is not fine?"

so while I'm thinking this and day after tomorrow, war of the worlds, armageddon, etc. images are playing through my head (cue impending-doom music as well), I realize that, well, there's a possibility of a nuclear war. and I don't even know what that really means, I just know that it means a lot of death, a lot of destruction, and a lot of world war III.

not that I have the first idea of how to go about fixing this situation (please, I'm no politician), but it's a relatively scary thought that this round-the-world arms race is happening. even with countries trying to establish peace, what is getting done? how will we solve this? I guess this is why every beauty pageant (okay maybe this is just a miss congeniality reference) contestant asks for world peace but it's pretty scary to think of the other possibility -- the opposite of world peace being world war (thanks hobbes?), which could happen now. uh-oh.

the infinite fight.

I'm really sick of feeling lonely. I don't know why, sometimes it just hits. especially now, when I know break is next week so there's isn't THAT much work but there's still stuff to do that I keep thinking I can put off and it's cold out so I don't want to go for a walk or go grocery shopping or anything. It's kind of like an I-just-want-to-nap-so-I-don't-have-to-think-about-anything kinda thing, which cannot be good for your health, just saying.

I just feel like I feel this way a lot. okay, I know I'm not the only college freshman to not be adjusted & comfortable yet (I mean, I feel like I'm adjusted & comfortable which is the weirder part) but it really sucks! I'm not whining, swearsies, I'm just meh. feeling meh. which, as psych100 tells us, is a mood-dependent cue. so, since I'm unhappyish I'm going to keep feeling this way. so, guess the only thing to do is take a nap & focus on something nice like friends being home for thanksgiving and going out tonight. it'll all be better in an hour or so, I can feel it.

why the internet sucks.

dirpy? shut down. pitchfork & npr won't let me download. soundcloud doesn't let most people download also. mojo? apparently no longer existent.

seriously -- what the fuck? I just want to listen to music. I get it -- artists want money -- but seriously, most of the money that they make off online downloads DOESN'T GO TO THEM. they get most of their profit from concerts which I would obviously go to IF I could listen to their music.

what bullshit.

(how ironic that I'm writing this online.)

rhymes with armistice.

...homesickness. or not even homesickness. lack-of-a-real-college-campus-and-parents-because-they're-in-madrid-need-a-break-from-school-ness. that's right. I miss my parents. I wish I had a campus. I need a break from school.

why on earth would I miss my parents (other teenagers are definitely feeling the blasphemy here)? I see my parents once a week. that's a perfect amount to help out a little bit in the office, get dinner & catch up, get a ride home and NOT get sick of them. so missing that one week is a lot for me. it's alright, they got home yesterday, I went with dad to get mom from the airport and we went out for dinner and today was tuesday which is our weekly dinner night so I got two nights back to back AND I got presents from madrid. I also love my parents. they're really cool and easy to talk to and just kind of awesome. I definitely lucked out in that category.

needing a campus? that was a recent thing. it just hit me that I have NO school community. I don't feel connected to hunter AT ALL. I love my friends here, in the dorm (yeah, the ONE dorm) but college feels more like high school than college and I don't really know what to do about that. there's no roll-out-of-bed-run-to-class-dining-hall-dinner kind of college experience here and, while I thought I would be okay with it, I'm really not. it's the only time in my life I'll ever have the option of having that experience and I feel like I'm going to look back in 20 years and feel like I cheated myself out of a great "college experience." I know that's the typical college experience and I'm not typical but once in a while I'd like the typical experience too. everyone else gets it and I know I'm able to handle this arrangement and be happy, but I think I would be happier somewhere else. as mom put it...I "would only be happy at columbia." tough nougies for me.

and needing a break from school? not that things are particularly difficult here (I didn't study for my psych test, I got a 97), it's just that I haven't had a real break since school started. we had off for holidays but I go to shul for holidays or have family dinners for holidays so they're not REAL holidays. I'm just ready for a break.

lonely so soon?

sucks to leave cornell and not have dan at my disposal. in general, it sucks going back to college where there's no boyfriend to hug. I'm so lucky that I have my girls -- don't know what I would do without them -- but I miss cuddling. maybe it's because I listen to depressing music? seriously, I have zero motivation to do work. not that I have anything due tomorrow that I haven't already done (zero percent chance I'm editing a rough draft of a paper. not happening. seriously. it's anthro) and I don't reeeeeeally want to work in advance (please, this is so not sarah's-life-at-heschel-part-II) but sadly there are no more minutes in my netflix watch instantly so I guess I won't be watching 30 rock.

in which case...what to do? read? I mean I guess I have eat pray love that I could crack open or I could read mill (because oddly enough I enjoy his stuff) and...oh shit. I thought we only had to read chapters 3 & 4. apparently it's 3, 4 & 5. fuck my life.

ever wondered why guys don't ever open up?

after a conversation last night with the boy, I realized I was one step from becoming the whiney, needy girlfriend! that is not who I want to be! at all! I realized right before taking the wrong step (luckily I stepped back to psychoanalyze myself and my behavior at the right moment) that I was about to ask the wrong questions and make the wrong assumptions that would, in effect, push the boy away.

see when guys open up (maybe this is just my guy), they talk about how it's hard being at parties when I'm not there. he said last night "I'm a guy" and I wanted to shout, "yeah, you have testosterone -- I get it!" but it's like to another girl (okay maybe I'm giving myself a little credit here) "wow, you don't want to be with me, you'd rather be hookin' up with randoms." now I know that the boy loves me a lot and does really want to be in a relationship with me, so I didn't say that, but see how freakin' easily the story could get spun way damn out of proportion?

exactly. so my theory is that boys (to save their own asses) don't open up very frequently because it's usually stuff that they know we won't be cool about. be honest, girls freak more than guys, it happens whatever but don't then go freaking probing about shit you don't wanna hear. it's like ma always says: don't ask questions you don't want answers for. smart ma.

new, old tune?

gayspantion.

so I was thinking about it on my way home as I listened to the this american life from last week (why I related homosexuality to a podcast about life in iraq after us is beyond me) and it kind of just came to me that homosexuality has become a huge issue over the past few years. look at the kids are allright and everything that has come out recently about prop. 8 in california, don't ask don't tell in the military, even in a psychology research credit I did today about images and the emotions they provoke and, maybe it's just me, but there seem to be a lot more gay couples who are comfortable with pda.

honestly, all the power to the homosexuality movement. I'm a big proponent. I'm not lesbian myself, but hey, who am I telling someone who they should love and want to spend the rest of their life with? if I can marry someone I love, why can't you?

on love and loss?

I realized last night that when you sign up to be married to someone, you're asking for them to be there for your entire life. and one of you has to die first. so how do you adjust to that?

I had a really nice conversation with my mom about love and all that fun stuff earlier as she drove me home from...home. well, back to my dorm from home. I was really upset by dan being away earlier and we just got to talking and it's so scary to think that you could set yourself up to spend the rest of your life with someone and they can be someone you totally didn't expect, you know?

on to kant. enough with love.

headachey.

there's something about picking courses for next semester that poses this big, daunting question mark over my head. I just can't decide what to do. do I want to take music history, art history, communications...so many options, I have no idea what to do.

I also have a headache right now and I should be studying psych but I'm taking my break because I finished reviewing the first part that I had blocked off on my study guide...ugh so much to do.

blech.

just going to put it out there that having dinner at midnight is so not all it's cracked up to be. especially when you have to come home to do more work. and, oh look, it's 12:41am and I wanted to read half of rousseau's book I and finish reading & taking notes on this 25-page anthropology reading (only because I did the other two 14-page readings last night, of course). oh and did I happen to mention that lovely meeting with my advisor that I have tomorrow morning at 11am? so hopefully I'll be in bed by 2am (only 4 pages of this anthro reading left!) to wake up at 10am. if not, it's another night of 7 hours of sleep. manageable, but not enough according to my psych professor.

so the other night while dan was home I met his ex (!). I know, shocker of all shocks! so not only does this girl cause some drama about me coming along (mind you, she wasn't even supposed to be there) she awkwardly doesn't give dan a hug at the end of the night, nor does she introduce herself to me or say goodbye. oh and this process happens again on sunday to something that she really wasn't even invited to and showed up late to...a little rude.

just funny because I've been buggin' about this girl for how long and she is so not a threat at all. I didn't even feel myself being extra show-offy to get in her face (okay maybe I showed off that me and dan were in a relationship a little, but ONLY a little I swear!). it's just so interesting that expectations & reality didn't collide at all -- I didn't feel threatened or nervous, I was comfortable and myself. I was glad to be in my shoes. granted, I also know that both people cannot be comfortable at the same time when there's an awkward situation, so the best way to intimidate anyone else is to just have fun, be cool and be yourself. if you're confident, they can't be.

eggshells.

I'm going to refer back to my yom kippur post. I talked mainly about making sacrifices for those we love and, yes, that post wasn't in vain, but (of course) there's some repercussion creepin' up on me. I was looking at the study abroad programs for december break (they're the only ones posted). I found a very cool one in argentina, studying language and literature, essentially a spanish immersion program (couldn't ask for anything more, right? love language. love food. love spanish culture. would love to go to argentina, especially in december when it's their summer -- awesome.).

so, I asked dan in passing what he thought and suddenly it became a very loaded question. respond yes, go, and suddenly I'm the devil girlfriend who misses his 20th birthday instead of planning him a dinner/party and (in his misguided opinion) would be off making out with someone. respond no, don't go, and he's now the selfish asshole who's deciding things for me. well fuck me, I just wanted some advice.

and now all these questions are flooding my head: was everyone right when they said to drop your boyfriend & emotional baggage when you start college? at what point are the sacrifices not worth it? dan gets to do study abroad and I don't so he's going to break up with me? (of course it didn't help when I read an nytimes article today that said EXPLICITLY "don't go into college with a boyfriend" but whatever.)

so now, where do I go? do I sit around feeling like an idiot, do I walk on eggshells to prevent the inevitable break up? if I know the break up is inevitable, why are we still together? I love you, dan, but at what point does my independence become priority #1? why have you become priority #1? should I drop everything and start from scratch to (essentially, and this is the worst possible wording connotation-wise) "break free?"

I don't fucking know.

stagnation.

so one of erickson's 8 stages of development is "generativity" vs. stagnation.
read: the ability, desire, will to create & be creative vs. being at a lack of creative, novel spirit.

that is how I'm feeling. I feel burnt out. not that this week was particularly hard (it actually feels like freshman year of high school again, there isn't so much work, you're being "eased" into the school) I just feel kind of tired. I'm enthusiastic, I'm confident, I'm independent, I'm still the girl you know, just not with an interesting blog.

funny because I don't know why I was spurning so much creativity when I was at my nice little private jewish day school with the same run-of-the-mill people. maybe it's because I was constantly being challenged to look at aspects of judaism or god or feminism or who knows what else and that sparked something. maybe it's just that the courses here feel a little bland, nothing to really think think about.

and now, off to do some more psych. honestly, if I wasn't taking psych I wouldn't have any work. such is the way of college.

so much fucking psych.

I have nothing. watch the new glee it's awesome. go to chinatown one night for dinner at new green bo it's delicious. don't take psych in college it sucks.

new, jew years resolutions

so every year yom kippur kind of puts me in a very sacred place, this year especially. it always seems like there's one line in the siddur that calls out to me, because of my experiences in the past year, month, week, etc. last year the line was from the morning service, a part that said "for not tolerating in others the faults that we tolerate in ourselves" which just rang true and resonated with me. this year that line was during n'ila (נעילה). it said "we have prayed for the impossible...love without sacrifice." I never saw this line before. maybe it's because I rarely make it to concluding services -- I'm usually passed out in bed -- but there was something about this line that made me look back at the past year and my (now 6-month) relationship with dan.

coming from the strongly independent person that I am, I'm infrequently willing to give up things. I have my own schedule and try to run my own life without other people interfering because, well, most of the time they aren't worth my time. sounds terrible, but most times I would rather be focusing on bettering myself (maybe it's because I have a lot of bettering to do). that isn't to say that I don't give back to my community -- I really try to do so or try to do something that gives of my own time -- but I'm one of those people who is content for the most part being alone, going out once or twice a week, but I can stay to myself and be very happy. this is a skill that I really learned last year and it took a lot of time and focus. I don't think there are many people who enjoy being by themselves, most people get lonely.

anyway, coming from me (and you all know how I am and how fiercely independent I get sometimes), learning to love someone meant I had to make sacrifices -- sacrifices that I don't usually want to make. but, it's for the better. it's hard for me to rely on other people, but I'm glad that I've made that sacrifice and taken that leap of faith. I'm glad that I've incorporated someone else's schedule into mine and given up some of my time for someone else. it's very much worth it.

another thing that stuck a chord this year was something my rabbi said -- yom kippur isn't about looking back on the year and seeing all the ways we intentionally did wrong for two reasons:
1. hopefully, those times of malicious intent are infrequent, and;
2. most times, we can identify when we're intentionally doing wrong and feel guilty about it.
nope. yom kippur is about all those times that you aren't realizing you're offending someone. something that slips out, or something that happens entirely by accident, but really hurts someone else. that's what yom kippur is about. and that's something that people also overlook because they usually focus on the big things that they feel guilt for. instead, try looking at how all the things you do affect everyone around you, and you'll get more out of the atonement prayers you're saying.

so, next year when you're sitting in shul and you're actually ripping your hair out you're so bored, thinking of all the food you'll have at break fast (thanks for breaking out the demi-sec this year, mom!), take a look at what you're saying. there's a lot of meaning in yom kippur, but it's often overshadowed by the lack of food and the frustration we all feel with that. I'm not one for ra-ra spirituality, but when you find meaning in what you're saying and you put your mind (I don't say heart because it sounds way too cheesy) into it all, reflect and think introspectively, you'll forget about the food you aren't eating. promise.

definitely been the worst blogger ever...

soooo...sorry about being totally mia recently. anyone checked out spring rtw 2011? definitely rocking out was max azaria with neutrals, low v-neck dresses, neutrals, and maxi maxi maxi! themes to watch out for:

1. neutrals.
2. lots of solids. (that means colorblocking a la marc jacobs is back, baby!) seriously, hardly ANY prints & patterns this season (which doesn't fade me, colorblocking means bright, contrasting colors and no more animal print!)
3. loose, flowy, billowy shapes. wonderful. I don't have to invest in a new wardrobe at all.
4. cinch-waist belts on...everything. actually. looking through cynthia steffe's rtw line was looking at everything with waist-belts (which is very cute and VERY flattering, don't get me wrong, especially against the billowy dresses & tops)
5. structured dresses. still big. simple, with a structured, heavy detail. also, the fancier dresses (see prabal gurung, love him) were very heavy material, but not in a bad way.


crop tops were looking big, crocheted was decent, leather was eh. definitely put your animal prints, cutouts, frills/ruffles (gag me) & microminis to the back of the closet please! look for interesting necklines (MY FAVORITE) and anything sweet but not too girly. pretty much, I couldn't have asked for anything more.

keep it simple, baby. you can't go wrong with simple.

labor day craze phase.

sooo nothing interesting has really been going on recently. apparently said professor in the post below stole her idea from the times. or maybe she was the one who wrote the times article. wouldn't that be pretty clutch? also, she isn't so snooty anymore. so that's a plus.

weekend mania: boy came to visit with friends. went to ps1 (the first public school in the city -- queens, to be specific -- turned modern art museum) for some sick concert all around playground shit. very nice.

there was this really clutch internship at pitchfork (cool indie mag/website/tv) but apparently I'm too late in applications -- summer job, anyone? and I've been falling very behind in my blogging/following npr all songs considered/pma/vodka & vinyl so I gotta get on that.

more to come later once I get on top of my game again. fret not.

uh, classes already?

so today was, well, day #1 of class. aside from the snooty professor who was obnoxious when I e-mailed her a very simple I-stay-on-top-of-my-work-where-can-I-find-this-password-to-access-the-readings-on-the-website-that-are-due-next-week all went well. like, sorry I didn't know the password when you didn't write it anywhere. le dur. this kind of shit always happens to me BECAUSE I'm on top of my work and try to do it in advance. and why should I apologize? if she wanted these readings to be done she should have included a password or just made me buy a damn book! I really hate people who are moronic. and she's a professor too. my professor. ugh. people should really think ahead more frequently.

aside from that lady & navigating the very confusing hunter building -- not plural -- today, it was overall a very good day. classes seem interesting and exciting and, I really have to say, I cannot wait for my anthropology class. and my psych class. even though anthro is with snooty lady from paragraph #1.

snooty made a good point in class today when she was lecturing about language and how it affects sexism and genders in culture. she said that english is one of few languages that doesn't gender-ize common nouns. very true. have noticed that before. but I hadn't thought about how it affected the way people were perceived in cultures. it's very empowering to give common nouns a gender because it makes both sexes equal, or at least it gives us insight into the different roles that objects play in a person's life because of the division. for example (one of hers) la mesa -- spanish for "the table," female. maybe it has to do with the association of women around a table because, well, when women get together we sit around a table, eat and chat. there we go.

dinner with mom at land, yummy yum yum. night ended with jersey shore on floor 2 (my floor, FINALLY something on my floor) which was pretty exciting and had a lot of people shouting at a screen.

for some new music check out all tiny creatures v. bon iver, very mellow and moody. yum. thanks for that, pma.

adios orientation.

so today was very much the last day of orientation. hm. meh. anyway college is definitely all it's cracked up to be. I would highly recommend it.

speaking of how clutch college is, I have to say that I'm really not missing a lot of the old parts of my life. I'm definitely feeling these people and maybe that's just because it's (officially) day #4 of college -- classes start today, talk about ultimate craziness -- and I'm loving it. I've always loved making friends and meeting new people and this is SO not an exception. I love it here. I don't miss a lot of people just because I've been thrown into this mosh pit of awesome people and great organized activities.

the best part is that I know the worst of the worst is over! classes start tomorrow, I have friends in my classes so there are people to commute with and (as totally dorky as this sounds, please I'm a huge nerd) I'm excited for classes! I'm really pumped to be taking the classes that I'm taking this semester, they're very cool and very me.

so as sad as I am that I don't have frat parties and random hookups, I'm definitely doing fine. this is very much a good place. they're also very into reevaluation and I'm so down with that. finding a major and a "passion" is going to be hell, but I can do it, right? right.

new tunes: check out cee lo green's fuck you. definitely mayer-hawthorne-70's-pop-infused-supah-catchy-style. very, very word.

a fresh year, a fresh perspective

eyyo boys and girls -- I'm back! have you missed me? I definitely took the summer off to chill out a little bit, have fun with the boy, spend time with people that I totally didn't see enough of during the year, hit up some pool parties in brooklyn, have some friends over to visit, eat way too much delicious food and prepare my lazy, unprepared ass for college. please, I hadn't (and haven't, actually) done any work -- read: school work. I definitely worked enough at the store this summer, kill me -- since what, march? maybe.

anyway, it's time for college and I'm hitting that shit up. move in was on sunday, and we've been ridin' the orientation train non-stop since then. pretty much all that needs to be said is that I'm on a VERY dry campus (at least that's what they make it out to be. I give it 3 weeks, tops.), the people are pretty word and are definitely friendly and chill, and it seems like it's gonna be hard to graduate in 4 years (psh, please). but whatever, definitely no complaints, yet. you all know how much I can bitch and whine when I need to.

I'll write more in a bit. the upperclassmen just moved in today (naturally I'm on the floor with like 4 other freshman, none of whom I knew until today so I've been quite lonely) and I'm a little frightened to get off my bed and venture into the hallways. I didn't expect myself to be so scared of them -- I just don't want attitude. upon expressing concern today that the upperclassmen being on my hall kind of intimidates me, someone responded that I "didn't seem like the type to be intimidated by anything." now that's a fuckin' compliment if I've ever gotten one. I'm impressed with my own ability to make people think I'm fearless. definitely one step in the right direction.

and for some groovy tunes, new beach house is up on pma.

overstaid and overspent.

I got a complaint from a friend's mother (through said friend) that I have been sleeping over too frequently. now this isn't going to be a rant on why I am upset, hurt, frustrated, etc. with this comment, but me trying to figure out what is going on with me. I just don't feel very much like myself recently. I feel like I've been clingier, more interested in a few people's lives as opposed to somewhat interested in many people's lives. does this mean I'm cured?! am I finally able to have commitments?! has my attachment-phobia been fixed?!
...or am I just being clingy and needy and high maintenance and all of those things I swore to myself I would never be?

I do recognize that I need to branch out, to meet new people, to become interested in other people -- but I don't think I have the ability to do that yet because I haven't left one sphere (high school) to enter another (college), a time that seems like a natural breaking point. I am not yet worried for myself that I am needy and high maintenance. I know that I will never be that girl, but I am working on establishing a balance between not making plans (to be alone, of course) and calling tons of people to have a very busy, planned-out week (and then balancing who I see to make sure that I don't see the same person too many times when there are obviously some people I prefer to spend time with compared to other people).

so I don't quite know where I'm leaving myself. I just scratched my head, like a confused little monkey a little bit. I've never overstayed my welcome anywhere so I'm a little upset with the comment because it's a reflection of who I've become and it isn't someone I'm happy with. so, while I'm very happy, I'm not happy with who I am. officially confused yet? yeah, me too.

jerry maguire -- a feminist film?

so I started watching jerry maguire ('96, directed by cameron crowe, stars tom cruise & renee zellweger) with dan on friday night and finished it tonight by myself, at home, in my lovely, comfy bed and I realized that it is TOTALLY a feminist movie. and not even like a raging '90's feminist movie (although, yes, it is), just like a good, solid, feminist movie.

here this premise of why this movie rocks from a feminist perspective. main theme of the movie for a good, long while is: man cannot be loney, man needs woman, while woman doesn't need man. what a nice, stereotypically different message!

here are our 3 strong females:
1. ex-fiance, terry -- we start with this woman who is a total hottie and is maguire's initial fiancee and totally punches him in the face when he breaks off the engagement. that's kind of a low blow, but her whole deal is complete and total honesty because she's not sensitive (love it!) and can handle the truth -- but apparently jerry can't. granted, bitch totally makes jerry this video interviewing women who all say he's totally incapable of being alone and always needs someone, a woman, in his life, which is kind of an asshole thing to do, but whatever, we can forgive her.
2. aunt laurel -- doesn't have a husband, kind of whiney, but runs a divorce group for women -- which kind of reminded me of my minyan...except they whine more.
3. dorothy -- totally awesome. granted she falls in love with maguire from the first second and you think she's going to be a weak-in-the-knees kind of annoying female lead, but on their first date she tells jerry, "let's not tell our sad stories" because she knows that she's better than that. she stands for what she wants (she leaves with jerry when he leaves smi, the company he was working for before) and supports jerry for who he is. she's strong enough to call him out when he's being an asshole and "end" their marriage when he's running away but is too pussy to say anything for himself. so yeah, she's kind of a g.

so, just figured I would share with the group that next time they're watching a movie, any movie, keep an eye out for cool feminine characters. they're totally out there.

if neuropathways are set, what does that mean for me?

shiza!

have not written in so many moons! ideas to come soon (as I graduate on thursday!) but for now, shout out to my favorite all-boy band, SUNNY SIDE UP, playing at the mercury lounge on monday at 10:30pm -- check it out, they're too good to miss (especially before they all leave for college).

seriously, though. come armed with your fids (fake ids, a la sophie mortner) and be prepared to groove jam & rock out.

hi june 1st

funny how it's june 1st already so that would mean that I've been blogging for 7 months? that's a really long time. shit. the year went by really fast. ay mami.

so along with june 1st and the end of the year come a lovely bunch of articles in magazines about obesity and skin cancer. I'm not kidding, every summer it's the same thing. so I decided to write a little article about the lack of originality in the magazines that I consistently read.

granted: the two magazines I read consistently are (I'm ashamed to say) seventeen and (not so embarrassingly) teenvogue -- which, did you know, is designed to be so poquito so that it could be hidden in a notebook? supah clever! so I've noticed before that there is always an article on obesity in one of these two magazines pretty much every month (which is annoying because it's coming from magazine corporations that "pride themselves" (17, at least) on wanting girls to be comfortable with their bodies, yet the girls pictured are NOT the "average teenager" and the articles are on obesity a lot which I guess is good because it's raising awareness but it doesn't really do anything to solve the problems that it has identified...) and there is almost really nothing wrong with that (see rant in previous paragraph) but I'm getting kind of sick of reading about obesity in america. and then, to top it off, every summer (or few months, sometimes they shake things up and stick it in say in like, december) there is article on the harms of tanning -- usually it's about tanning salons.

honestly, it's not a bad thing that these are the two issues that the magazines choose to identify with and try to solve, it's just an issue when the magazines depict skinny, sun-kissed girls. there's just a little, tiny bit of hypocrisy with the suntanned bodies in the magazines if tanning is so bad for you.

and also, it's just annoying to read the same articles every few months. there comes a point where magazine subscribers get frustrated.

side note: probably one of the funniest things in seventeen this month was that on the cover there was this tagline that read: MUST READ: THE PARTY DRUG THAT MAKES YOU OLD AND FAT. this really caught my eye because I had to keep my eye out for this one, you know? so...turns out it was marijuana. two things:
#1. weed is not a party drug.
#2. not a single part of the article was about getting wrinkles/looking old OR getting fat.
#3. they forgot to mention the economic and medical benefits of marijuana. but like, whatever. you get fat, you know? can't have that happening to our youth. because so many people in america are overweight because of the munchies. ha.

anyway I just needed to mention that there is a huge dearth of creativity and creative research going on in these magazines. I know that going to a tanning salon will give me skin cancer (now caused by uva AND uvb rays!) and will rip out my corneas (now a major cause of cataracts!) and I know that obesity is an epidemic affecting the lives of many people in this country that must be solved by decreasing our intake and dependence on fast food and the fast food industry.

so let's get a little creative. if we're going to write about articles that affect the nation (specifically the outer appearance of us americans), let's try and take a break from obesity & skin cancer? they're really overstaying their welcome.

let's get physical, emotional.

as I was walking crosstown with shelly yesterday, after a long day of gardening in central park, I expressed something that, I guess, has been percolating in my head for a pretty long time. I realized recently that I have a very hard time differentiating between physical and emotional attraction. for some reason that's one sphere of my life that I have a very hard time balancing and keeping sorted out and organized.

here's what I realized: that many times I overcompensate for my lack of physical attraction to someone because of an emotional connection with them and, most times, it bites me in the ass. I think I finally have learned (the hard way, after hurting many people) that if there is no physical attraction, an initial physical attraction, there cannot be a successful relationship. for me at least. granted, if the person is a dolt, a very successful relationship is not foretold either.

there isn't very much to write about even, not a lot to expose. just that right now I am in a serious, committed relationship where I am physically and emotionally attracted to someone and it kind of puts previous relationships to shame. and now, after having this, in the future I'll have a lesson learned in my back pocket. I know to not accept anything less the best, to not settle for someone I have to justify; a person should be justified on his/her own merit (lookswise and personalitywise). so, take this post as just a thought that must be shared -- never settle for anyone less than someone you are physically AND emotionally attracted to. if you've never had it before, you'll just never be happy or satisfied, and if you have had it before, you'll just think about how happy you were before. past tense.

right of association?

so I was thinking about it today (when I saw the empire state building blue & white for the israeli day parade) and I realized that one question that people ask me (or us jews, as a general populace) is -- are you an american jew, or a jewish american? now I'm not going on focus on this question because I think it's a silly one but rather the idea that people associate themselves with specific groups of people.

it's easy, sometimes, to lock ourselves into a certain group of people just because it gives us (or maybe just me?) a comfort zone, a group of people that we know we'll have something in common with regardless of our backgrounds. some people associate with the whole "vegan/vegetarian" movement (something I could really NEVER do. I love meat.) some people are really into religion so that's their thing, some people are into theater, some sports (watching/playing), some video games, etc., etc.. granted I'm totally into the feminist movement so maybe that's my jam, but I guess something I have a bigger problem with is the idea that we associate ourselves specifically with one or two groups pretty much because it locks us into a group and a specific ideology.

I don't mean to say that being connected with other people on an interest-based-level is a bad thing because, phrased like that, I sound like an asshole. what I mean to say is that while we all have interests, being locked into one or two groups gives us a pretty stilted, almost jaded mindset if we don't stay careful and open minded. granted, it's nice to know that within bigger groups there are smaller factions and each person comes to the table with a different perspective (I guess that right there would be the beauty of grouping together, in general) but that doesn't mean you have to affiliate yourself solely with that group. groups may be an indication of our passions and interests, but we're not one dimensional people; we don't just have one or two things we love to do. we are complex persons with many many interests and should not have to refer to ourselves as a "dancer" or an "atheist" or a "blogger" even, because it's simply one facet of our personalities, our personas, and shouldn't be the main focus of who we are.

just some silliness that sounds really good, check out the national, a brooklyn-based indie band that got together in ohio way back when. check 'em out.

ooooooklahoma, where the doctors lie with malice.

so for shavuot dinner on tuesday night I went to ilana gleichblooms with a few other girls (shoutout to talia, sarah gott, rachie, emma, margalit & becca) and we had a lovely shavuot dinner/study (I fell asleep on ilana's couch for the study part...I was very tired). afterwards I got to take a peek at ilana's shelf of feminism books (shoutout to gleichbloom for totally having the most organized bookshelf of ever, I'm super jealous) and I found one on analyzing/reading sex and the city (which I didn't take, surprisingly) and one called "manifesta" which I took and am currently reading. apparently it's 10 years old and they're writing a new one at this point...which is really exciting and I cannot wait to read it.

it starts off being like a basic introduction to feminism (not like jessica valenti though who is kind of annoying and masochistic) so the first chapter is about first wave, second wave and the new, (now obsolete) third wave of feminism. there's a whole big part about sex and birth control and abortion and a woman's "role" -- I'm not going to focus on the woman's role bit just because I think I talk about that enough, so I'm going to look at the sex/birth control/abortion bit. it's just so interesting to look at what these women wrote 10 years ago and read it alongside Gail Collins' article on the 50th anniversary of birth control that was published in the times mother's day weekend (irony much?) and then read that alongside the new oklahoma law that says that a doctor can withhold information, mislead or actually straight out lie to a pregnant woman about the health status of her baby if it might make her want to get an abortion (mind you this was passed at the beginning of this month).

obviously I am all for women's rights, a right to choice, a right to full information (pretty much because that's standard ethics and medical procedure and I cannot see how this new law can coexist with the hypocratic oath at all) and I am a big advocate of birth control (even though it's expensive -- gail collins totally addresses that issue in her article so definitely read up on that) so I don't see where progress has been made. I cannot see how progress can occur so rapidly and be so openly accepted in some states while it seems that some states are taking many steps backwards.

so how do we do something about the oklahoma law? how does birth control become affordable for all women (granted, condoms are free at many places but condoms pose a higher risk of breaking than, say, nuvaring does of not working because there is only perfect usage)? how can we take this country and move it only steps forward, not leave some places behind in the dark? and, most importantly, what can I personally do to make all of america a more women's-rights-friendly place? the balance is out of order -- there simply cannot be some states that withhold information because they worry about abortion occurring as a result. I cannot read a book published 10 years ago about the advances that women have made (and we must recognize that we weren't just granted the right to vote in 1920, we fought our asses off for it; we must recognize that when the fda announced that they would approve the pill as contraception on may 9th, 1960, states didn't open such contraception with open arms -- even new york, a very liberal state) while hearing about the way society has regressed in the past few weeks.

I would say that step #1 would be awareness. see if people even know about the new oklahoma law. even women & men who don't identify as feminists can (and should!) feel morally opposed to this new law. bring it to their attention, find a way to weave it into conversation. bring it up. get it out there. get something done.

radical amazement, a la ajh?

so I was sitting in shul tonight and I was listening to the prayers and praying along when I realized during some prayer that neither I, nor my entire congregation, should be praying aloud -- it was technically the part that my rabbi (or any chazan) would be saying alone in order to lead the service. but no, my entire congregation (which was maybe 30 people -- probably only one of whom was younger than me and that would be noah, my younger brother) was praying aloud along with my (female) rabbi and (female) cantor.

this is something that really used to irk me. I was so used to a traditional egalitarian/conservative prayer service for so many years (being that that's what I grew up with in my conservative middle school) that I would hate when people would pray with my rabbi/cantor when she/they were supposed to be the only one/ones singing or speaking. it was a reason why I really loathed going to shul and for a very long time seriously asked my parents to let me go to a different shul (that and the amount of english that used to overwhelm the service, which also used to really bother me).

but tonight I realized the beauty in everyone singing along. I know we don't do a traditional motzei shabbat (friday night) service at my shul with the traditional songs and being on the shabbaton last weekend reaffirmed how much I really do love and miss the egalitarian tunes and melodies and friday night service in general, but sitting in shul tonight I realized how beautiful the ignorance in my community was. the thing is, because I go to a reform shul, no one really knows when it's supposed to be just the rabbi speaking as opposed to when the entire congregation is supposed to join in. while this bothered me for a while, I think I didn't see it in the right way for those years; I was wrapped up in my own bubble and wasn't exposing myself to, what should be, my own traditions and customs. I've always been in a difficult place in my shul because my background (while not very extensive) still makes me more knowledgeable than many people there. tonight though, I opened myself up to my own congregation and our customs and traditions, as traditionally "incorrect" as they may be.

I guess this is one example of what rabbi heschel (ajh = abraham joshua heschel) might have considered to be radical amazement. I was really struck by my community praying together, even though I've experienced it so many times. I was moved by everyone praying as a community as opposed to looking to one person to lead us in song and prayer. it's a really beautiful concept that I might only find in my congregation at my shul, and it's not really something I've ever appreciated, or even approved of, before.

so as much as it isn't really what I grew up with, it was a very beautiful, moving night in shul for me and I'm glad (and proud of myself) that I opened myself up to another of my own traditions, one that I used to frown upon. good old heschel and his radical amazement. you never fail me.

okay, independence.

so I was working in the park today and I realized that being in a relationship sometimes makes it difficult to be independent. I'm not talking about being my own person (I'm quite good at being an individual thank-you-very-much), I'm talking about being comfortable with being alone and not letting the idea of loneliness overwhelm and absorb you. I was talking to one of my best friends today, someone I've known for a really long time and she said that she was feeling lonely again. she has felt lonely a lot this year. I realized when I told her that I had nothing constructive to say (because nothing I would say would get her out of the rut) that I did, in fact, have something to say: when you're lonely, and down, and upset, you cannot focus on it and let it become who you are. if you're feeling any one of those things or more, you need to accept it and gracefully move on. granted, I feel that way about pretty much any emotion, but this seems like the most shrewd way to go about handling those feelings.

what followed that idea was the question: why do I have such a problem with losing my complete independence and comfortability with being alone? is that unnatural?
I realized that when I publicly thanked my grade for making me independent (partially because of a disconnect that I felt, partially because I took it upon myself to learn such a skill) and that I am a different person now than I was in freshman year, 3 years ago, I was telling myself and them that my independence is something that I have worked really hard for and it isn't something that I'm willing to just release; it took me 3 years to get to where I am now, and I'm not ready to throw away all of that progress for a relationship.

now this makes things difficult. where is the balance between my comfort (and, since it's now in my comfort zone, a craving) with loneliness and my desire to be with someone else a good part of the time? what's more, I've used my loneliness to build a life and regimented schedule for myself -- so where does someone else fit in? it's not fair to make someone give 100% and for me to give nothing, but it's difficult for me to give in even 50% because it means losing 50% of the work I've done and the life I've established over the past few years. what's worse is that I know that once I break up with whoever I work into my life (assuming that I date more than one person over the course of the next 10-15 years) I'll have to again rebuild 50% of my life and regiment.

maybe it's a good thing that I'll have to constantly rebuild; maybe it'll force me to constantly reevaluate my situation and will force me to try new things (all good things in my book) but it's still super scary and means I could lose so much of the progress that I have made. ah well, time will tell.

in the meantime, check out metric, a pretty word band with a good electro-synth-pop feel. think less mgmt though and more apples in stereo.

rah, rah, lady gaga.

I don't want to take this post to talk about lady gaga as a female, feminist inspiration (although I do think she is one) but I want to just talk about her as a musician. I recently heard that "telephone" was written by lady gaga for britney spears (a guilty pleasure for me, don't tease!) and it let me listen to telephone with a different perspective. I always knew that something was off when I heard lady gaga and beyonce sing telephone (don't get me wrong, I LOVE lady gaga and beyonce, I really think they're two amazing feminist role models as strong-minded, independent women, especially in a society that suffers from a dearth of those types of women) but I couldn't place it. once I heard britney sing it, I knew that what was strange was the sound of the song itself sung by two women who didn't go for that type of genre of music.

anyway, seeing britney's version made it click and it made me kind of relieved, you know? telephone just wasn't gaga's sound. phew, gaga; that was a close one. rock on ladies.

ideal vs. reality

so the theme for a recent shabbaton was: where we were, where we are, where we will be. pretty classic, standard theme for a senior shabbaton, right? but instead of thinking about my own personal decisions (partially because it's hard to think far in advance, not factor chance/fate in and the fact that I just HATE making decisions for the most part) I really got to thinking about the idea of the ideal situation that I'm in now as opposed to the reality that is life.

so what really got me thinking were two things, both based off scenarios that have to do with judaism (the first being "I will be practice religion differently when I am older" and the second being "in 20 years secular jews and orthodox jews will not talk to each other") but in the end none of my conclusions really have to do with judaism.

in terms of scenario #1, my thought process went like this:
I know in my gut that I want to be more religious. I know that I love the feeling when I observe shabbat with a small community, I love the principles behind a lot of judaism and I would love to invest myself more thoroughly in them.
however, I know that trying to be a real person in a secular environment (I say secular because even if I live on the upper west/east side for the rest of my life, in the end there is a divide between the secular and the religious) is difficult. there is so much that happens on shabbat, so many foods that I enjoy eating that clash with kashrut, so many halachot that I just don't agree with (I can value the halachic process and thought behind them, yes, but I cannot value the halachot themselves). this is the ideal.
so in the end, I don't know what my decision will be. I don't know how my ideal situation and gut instinct really fits into reality and I don't know how much I'll sacrifice to become more religious. granted, this could be extended to any situation. not knowing how much to sacrifice to follow your gut (I don't say heart because I think it sounds terribly cliche) is always an issue, especially because I don't know if it will ultimately make me a happier person. will being more observant make me a happier, more fulfilled, more satisfied person? is there a gap in my life that I am even trying to fill, or do I just want to try out being more observant because of the people I'm with now? this is the reality.

and then scenario #2 went a little like this:
being that my entire family is irish catholic, there are koreans & hispanics, evangelical christians and I even have an adopted black cousin, and we are all so loving and accepting of each other regardless of our differences in beliefs and backgrounds and skin colors, I can't even imagine that the world would get to a point that religious tolerance would not exist within one religion. granted, I suppose that happened in the church for some time and that's why there are different denominations of christianity, but I cannot recall a case where one religion has splintered so much that they cannot put the pieces back together. this is the ideal.
but I do know that a gap is growing, that there are new sects of denominations growing and spreading and there are hotbutton issues (gay marriage, women rabbis, etc.) that are problematic in the jewish community. I've always said that judaism is a pick-and-choose religion, where you can identify in "spirit" and "thought" as one denomination but practice a different the customs of another denomination without much fear of scrutiny, but I think scrutiny is growing. there are more and more people who will call you on this unbalanced, almost "hypocritical" dichotomy; many people say that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. this is the reality.

similarly to these two scenarios, there is an ideal and a reality in where I am right now. how fortunate I am to be in a place where I can think like this and express it openly. that I am at a school where I can see both sides of the issues, where the encourage me to look at everything two different ways. how lucky I am to be in an ideal situation, but how scary it is to have to face reality. next year I will not be in a pluralistic (jewishly pluralistic) environment, a comfort zone, a small community. I will instead be in a diverse environment, new, uncharted territory, a little fish in the big pond. and perhaps diversity is pluralism in its truest, more pure form, so long as everyone is accepting...which is (surprisingly and upsettingly) a lot to ask.

so how to tackle the balance between the ideal and the reality is something I'm not quite sure of. luckily I'm comfortable with myself at this point and that's a good place to start but, coming from where I am now, facing reality will be a challenge. as excited as I am to broach something new and experience something new, I am nervous and worried (which I'm sure is natural). obviously the first place to start is being yourself while staying open to new things. sounds contradictory, but, just like ideal and reality, it's a balance that (out of necessity or curiosity) must be struck.

the anti-demise of the english language.

so I was watching californication on my way to mcgill many moons ago and in one of the early episodes hank, the main character (as played by david duchovny), is dating a lady who uses "lol" and (to be facetious) "bj." you know, text/im language. in this episode hank (who also keeps a blog! but people pay him to do it, so we're a bit different I guess. he also fucks many, many people. another difference.) gets really super worked up about the "demise of the english language." he hates that technology and proper english are inversely proportionate; that with the increase in technology leads to the decrease in proper english and/or the ability to use the language correctly.

now I guess when this show was made (2007), blackberries weren't so popular, the iphone wasn't yet invented and the term "smartphone" hadn't yet been invented. funny just because "smartphones" are now ubiquitous...as in sometimes people (like my father) have two phones, one smart and one, well, stupid I guess (it just calls people, doesn't do much else). so with the rise of these smartphones and stupidphones with qwerty keyboards (what a silly thing to call a full keyboard, a qwerty keyboard!) I've noticed that people don't use little isms like "lol" and "btw" and "brb" as frequently anymore. maybe on im they do, but definitely not via text.

I just thought this was interesting because it shows the total shift in colloquial language based on the growth of technology. funny enough, the only person who still texts me using "2" instead of "to" and "r" instead of "are" is my mom, because she totally has this old school throwback '00s phone. and they say the youth is the problem? silly society, it's the old people who are still doin' it!

so I realized that there haven't been ANY music updates in a really long time. for that reason, check out:
#1. dr. dog (their album fate is pretty legit and their semi-new album shame, shame is alright, a little more in terms of yelling than on fate), and;
#2. the apples in stereo (just some groovy kinda jams). enjoy.

self-destructive much?

so I realized today (while talking to dan) that we want people to know the bad things that we do, and want to hear the things that other people will do when we know they'll hurt us. like when you're listening to someone half-tell a story and you know you're missing something, or you get kind of jealous when an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend gets with someone else and you explicitly ask them about it? it's that total LACK of reining in your emotions that is such an interesting concept to think about -- why do we want to know about things that will hurt us?

sometimes I think it's just curiosity, like how we would compare to the other person? or letting the other person know that they just don't compare and you're happier and better off without them? is it just satisfaction that is getting the better of us? it seems really self-satisfying and selfish (which it very well may be) I just don't know how else to justify our inherent desire to be hurt.

I think I ask questions like those for 2 reasons:
#1. I'm a curious person, and;
#2. I kind of like being hurt by things.

I mean #1 is pretty self-explanatory. I'm a curious person. I like asking questions about everything, anything. I like knowing everything about everyone. not in a gossipy way, seriously I really try my best NOT to gossip, I'm just curious. my mom used to call me nosy. I guess I am nosy, but I don't really think it's such a bad things anymore -- it doesn't have the same negative connotation anymore.

the second part of this post got deleted so I'll make it short. I like being hurt because it means I have emotions, it means I can feel, it means there is someone in my life that can really have an affect on me. and I am not moved by things very easily or by people's stories very easily so to know that there is someone who can have an affect on me is a really nice reality check. yes I am human, no I am not a robot.

how it feels when we're fighting.

my body is numb, like I can't talk or walk or eat. I'm moving on autopilot. I can't eat, everything will take too much effort to chew. all I want to do is crawl into bed and shut off the light, call it an early night.

day one of internships

day one: cold, lots of worms.

not a lot to write about. more thoughts will come as they percolate, fret not.

caution: this post is about sexual things.

okay, sorry for not posting in a few days! it's funny that not having my computer for a few days made me really miss blogging. I know, I'm a nerd.

so I was looking at the course catalog for sociology at hunter and I really have never seen a conglomeration of things that I'm so interested in on one page. it's amazing. I hope that I stay enrolled as this major or at least minor in sociology just because the theory of it is so interesting. it's funny that dan was saying that he likes street photography and wants to start doing performance pieces because he likes studying people and I was like oh hey that's what I want to do with my life, just not make art out of it. hm.

so I was thinking about how taboo it is to talk about things like masturbation today with sarah gottesman and she said that sex and the city really made sex and masturbation and female body parts a normal thing to talk about -- and I was struck with the reality of that comment. it's just so interesting that one television show really revolutionized an entire generation of women and made their bodies and pleasuring their bodies an available topic of discussion. I don't really watch tv very much but (from what I've seen of) sex and the city establishes a balance between raunch culture (male-inspired behavior) and traditional female behavior and nature.

as I was thinking about it right now, because that balance is pretty hard to establish in one individual, maybe this happened because of the archetypal characters on the show. you have carrie, the one who is struggling to balance her "feminine" emotions along with sleeping with numerous men, samantha who has no feminine emotions and is solely interested in the physicalities of relationships (sad that I have been referred to as samantha in by my friends when we're playing the which-sex-and-the-city-character-are-you game?), charlotte who REALLY embraces her feminine side and rarely (if ever?) has the one-night-stand because she's always looking for a relationship not just good sex.
and then there's miranda who's just annoying and everyone's least favorite character and just likes her career and has a baby. like, what?

so in working on my I-am-woman-hear-me-roar, a la helen reddy, I need to identify myself with a sex in the city character. maybe now that I'm in a relationship I want to disassociate myself with samantha because, apparently (according to sarah gottesman) I DO have emotions. I am not miranda who is just annoying and I am not charlotte because really just wants a husband.

no, I think I'd be more comfortable being carrie, caring about physical relationships but appreciating the emotional aspects of relationships too. and remember that talking about masturbation and sex IS okay for girls too. it shouldn't be weird, it should be something you're comfortable with. I mean I guess even reading this post would be weird for some people considering the content is pretty raunchy, but honestly it's something that you need to be comfortable talking to your girlfriends about. it is allowed, everyone does it (or has someone else do it to them) at one point or another so there's no need in trying to hide it.

the most satisfyingly confusing conclusion ever.

natan, my grade dean and all-around teacher crush (please, he's shomer negiah, married and has 4 kids), said today at the conclusion of seminar to "live your life as if it were an epic." having been a lit major at yu, natan teaches (and has taught) about seeing tanach as epic poetry -- think homer's the iliad and the odyssey. he's obsessed with fantasy genre and all things that fall under its subsets, including dragons, knights, swordfights and destiny.

so today, to close seminar, natan spoke about destiny (in hasidic judaism, b'sheret -- but he didn't really call it that, for the most part he just called it destiny). he said that in a good epic, each character has a destiny. this pretty much falls into my basic philosophy that everything-happens-for-a-reason (that's what I think god, per se, is) but it was interesting to hear natan talk about it nonetheless. anyway, this whole destiny thing is pretty often overlooked (give or take politics & sports) but each character in an epic tale/novel has a destiny -- a role to fill. again, like I think, it doesn't really matter how said character goes about fulfilling this role, rather that he or she meets the end goal and desired outcome.

that being said, natan's basic philosophy was that life should be lived as an epic, meaning that each of us has a role. not self-aggrandizement, but empowerment. we each can affect change, can cause things to happen, can make a difference -- provided we work for it. and that got me to thinking: I may not care so much about israel as a homeland, as something I can really, truly, passionately fight for, I may not care so much about global warming, I may not care so much about the food industry. so I challenged myself to head back to square one. what do I care about? and, how can I create change in that specific sector? how can I be empowered and take action for something I care about?

this year I've spent a lot of time exploring feminism and the empowerment of women. that is something I care about. that is something I want to focus my time on. I think that far too often women are submissive, become caretakers (because we're more "compassionate" and "caring" apparently -- two words I would most certainly not use to describe myself, nor would I expect others to apply them to me), lose sight of their hopes and goals and dreams to satisfy the needs of others. and while some women are happy with this, I refuse to believe that the majority of women are. the fact that I can predict that my (very far in the) future marriage will most likely fail because I know now that I want to be the breadwinner in the family is a sad truth. and why is it that society has to be that way? or that relationships have to be run that way? because it's a societal norm.

well isn't that strange? not really at all considering that we live in a society that has oppressed women, limited rights and refused to see them as full equals for many hundreds of years. (kind of humorous, actually, that communism, that whole "red scare" nonsense gave women more rights than american democracy did...) and now I want to fight back because I care. I don't want a failed marriage (when & if I do get married), I don't want to hear anti-feminist slurs or anti-sexual openness for women. I'm just sick of it. I know that the workplace has been so heavily monitored by the government that women are able to make it in the workplace, but it simply shouldn't be that a woman has to choose between a successful career or a successful marriage.

so how do I live my life as an epic? how do I affect change for women who have to fight societal norms? how do I prove that being the breadwinner, or simply high-powered, and having a successful marriage are not mutually exclusive and can, really, coexist? I need to take action. I need to get my point across. I need to make others see the beauty of this situation, whether a woman is a self-declared feminist or not. it's time that I do my part in making this situation fair because, in the end, it IS a generational issue. I have been taught to be empowered, but to also be a mother. if society is preaching an impossibility than I need to remedy that. and that is me living my life as if it were an epic.

sorry about lack of posting!

hi friends

sorry about not posting in a few days -- just a VERY brief update (nothing to even think about, sorry)

yesterday was the birthday, the big 1-8 (yippidee!) & senior cut day, tomorrow is sarah g's birthday, today was sally rose's birthday.

big night out with the girls on tuesday, lots of fun.

sorry about being back about posting, I've just been sleeping out of the house a lot. I'll come up with some more things tomorrow, lots of thoughts have been percolating.

more about pictures!

I FOUND THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT THAT DAN HID IN MY ROOM LAST WEEKEND. VICTORY.

really though I spent 27 minutes looking for it. I tore my room apart. he told me it would be a hunt. granted, it was only at the bottom of my pajama drawer but considering there are 4 pairs of pajamas I wear and I usually just throw them in my hamper, I guess that's a great place to hide it.

I kinda feel let down now that I found it. I should have waited for him to tell me where it was instead of being sneaky. this is what I get for being impatient.

well, if you're at all wondering what the present was...

backstory: when dan came home for spring break we spent one saturday together -- the entire day -- burgers for lunch at burger joint with 2 of his kivufriends, I returned a pair of jeans to bloomingdales, went to see the skin fruit exhibit at the new museum, walked around the village, he met my dad at dinner and we had a sleepover. great day. anyway, when we were taking the train downtown from the upper east side, dan (who took an analog film photography course this semester and carried around his camera when he came home to take pictures in the city) took a picture of me as an express train was going behind me. he told me that he loved the print when it came out and it went over really well with his photography class. he wouldn't let me see it though. when he came home last weekend (wow, was it really only last weekend?) he said he had forgotten the print at school...

anyway the present was the print with a super nice note written on the back. perfect, much?

proud of myself for winning the scavenger hunt I had with myself...haha. nice.

"a picture is worth a thousand words" has never rung truer.

word up. so I'm sitting at work today on my computer, store's fuckin' dead as shit and I look on my facebook and there are pictures of two people (who will remain nameless) and it's all friendly and suddenly I'm hit with this overwhelming urge to throw up all the delicious naan that coco and I had just eaten. and as I'm thinking about this throughout the day, a few things come into my head:

#1. why do I care about there pictures that were posted in december?
#2. since when have photos become so indicative of relationships or powerfully emotional?
#3. why am I acting like a baby when I usually don't give a fuck?

so now I'm trying to answer those questions.

#1. I care because they tell me something about the nature of a relationship that, even though it existed many months ago and has since ended, is still something that gets to me.
#2. I guess the nature of photography has been to aid in nostalgia, to give you the ability to recall memories more vividly. they're freeze-frames of whatever you want them to see, as far as the camera can see (which is why it's hard sometimes to put emotional depth in a photograph and easy at other times). it's pretty much a snapshot of whatever is going on at the moment, the expressions made, the general feeling in the room -- so naturally they're emotional.
#3. I'm acting like a baby because I care. because those powerful emotions were hurtful ones. I guess that's a new thing because I'm used to being a lot more stoic in my emotions (less easily moved to feelings of vomit and disgust, I suppose). this is just a different side of my personality that hasn't come out in a very long time.

so maybe I'm happy to be a bit of a baby since it shows that I care? but it's totally contradictory to the person that I see myself as and understand myself to be. so I'll just hang out here in emotional limbo for a little bit. nice.

and for some good grooving, check out mc luscious, my classic 90's throwback. word up.

a new phenomanon that's really just a regression

so I recently found out about this silly thing called .formspring that a lot of girls (not boys, of course) are doing. pretty much this is where people will ask you questions (publicly) and you answer them (publicly). essentially, this is high school bullying. no, I wouldn't even take it that far. this is middle school bullying.

I would expect that by the time you get to high school pretty much all of your middle school drama tactics have been cleared up or just taken to the graveyard and buried already. apparently not. seriously if you look at anyone's .formspring it's just a list of questions comprised of these types:
1. mindless "you're hot" questions -- that aren't really questions, just comments.
2. your classic "why are you such a [insert negative attribute and/or curse word here]" questions.
3. silly "you're awesome I love you what would I do without you in my life" questions.
4. absurd "what size are your tits" questions.

really, everything that is written to the person answering questions on a .formspring falls into one of these 3 categories. please, correct me if I'm wrong. I dare you.

this is the quintessential website of high school bullying. you don't need to put down your name, you don't need to make it clear who you are. you are a faceless, nameless person who can ask anything of anyone and make them feel as uncomfortable, attacked, targeted, loved, admired, you name it, and YOU don't have to suffer any consequences. while someone else has the potential to be humiliated in public, you don't have to suffer in any way. where then, does remorse come in? where is the being-a-good-person? where is the maturity that is expected of you once you get to high school?

I was appalled by this website. that such a website would endorse and condone such behavior is absolutely amazing. the internet was supposed to be this incredible technological resource that would help us in our every day lives and all I see it doing, according to this website, is giving people an outlet to say everything they want to say to someone but are too scared to because confrontation is a scary thing. if you can't man up and deal with your problems with someone in person, maybe you aren't ready for high school. maybe you aren't ready to make it in the real world.

and if you're the one spending your time defending yourself on a .formspring? I pity you. I honestly feel sorry for the fact that you will, at one point, be attacked by someone who is too scared to face you. that you have to spend the hours in your day answering questions that are, for all intensive purposes, worthless.

when writing this post I thought about blogging vs. .formspringing and here's the difference. when I blog, I write about my thoughts, my internal crises that I have on a daily basis, the things that really bother me about myself, about the world I live in, about the values that are in society, about the things that I see on a daily basis. that is introspection. that is pushing yourself. I don't spend my time on this blog defending who I am -- if someone had a problem with me, I would expect them to ask me personally -- I spend this time questioning myself and my beliefs and values. if anything, pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and being alright with exposing myself and very intimate thoughts to the general public is a good use of time because I am growing. I am being stronger. I am being my own bully.

I was initially scared when I heard people were reading this. not scared as much as self-conscious. that people would see the things that I criticize about myself instead of covering up all my personally-perceived flaws? it seemed like I was asking for trouble. the fact is, I get to use this space to, if anything, let people see that they should also be questioning themselves and the things they see, to give them a different perspective on things they might not have questioned before. and hey, I'm not always funny, I don't always give music homework, I don't always give shoutouts, I don't always make sense, and I might not always be original but in the end, I'm still pressuring myself, my own self, to think about and call into question who I am. no one else is doing it for me.

so if you're reading this and you do have a .formspring, don't take offense. seriously. I mean it. but think about this: if you have to spend your time defending who you are, are you ever going to question yourself without being self-conscious and worried about it? take your time and figure out who you are -- it's totally okay to be full of contradictions and to be unsure (I AM TOO!) -- but you shouldn't ever have to defend yourself to a faceless bully. that just isn't fair.

a sad realization or a liberation?

I know I say many times that I'm not sympathetic, patient or empathetic and I'm often insensitive, and I accept myself for that, but watching videos on the life of rabbi heschel and listening to really powerful speakers the past couple of days has really got me thinking about being that kind of person. and so I'm at another existential dilemma (thanks, dr. dov).

I've said for a long time that, quoting audrey hepburn, "you have to look at yourself objectively. analyze yourself like an instrument. you have to be absolutely frank with yourself. face your handicaps, don't try to hide them. instead, develop something else." now I guess this is kind of pertinent to the mini-crisis at hand simply because, looking at myself objectively, I have to decide if being calloused is, in fact, a handicap; is it an attribute that I should change?

my experiences would be the reason why I'm calloused. being hurt I guess here led to hurting others. that sounds pretty terrible actually -- very two-wrongs-make-a-right -- but I don't know if that's the case. I became calloused from my experiences and I "learned from them." I also did that thing that I do where I decide what's good for other people and here I decided that it's good to make other people experience this kind of pain. it makes them stronger. it builds character.

honestly I think I'm a pretty good person. I do care about people, I just see myself as a pragmatic optimist -- I want things to be good, I have a positive outlook on like (I'm not terribly cynical, just sarcastic) I just don't think that living in a contrived world is the way to go about things. people need to be honest to find themselves, to be their best person. but is it my responsibility to make them see their flaws? what is my role and when do I cross the line?

so I want to decide what I want to do, who I want to be. going to college is a good time to change. how do I balance the acceptance of my calloused, somewhat brazen personality and attributes (because that is, in the end, who I am and I cannot force myself to be something I am not) and my desire to improve the world. I want to care, I want to do acts of chesed. I just don't know how they fit into my personality.

so, for now, I'll be thinking about such things. oh, and how I want my jewish identity to unfold in the next few years but it's a little late (and this post is a little long) for that right now. new music? check out the new mgmt cd, congratulations. some weird stuff, but some preeeeetty good stuff on there.

is friendship the end of truth?

flashback to montreal, sitting with mom in that same, previously mentioned, grocery store. I started talking about the idea of friendship and listening to people's problems and giving friends advice and I came to this (kind of) sad realization that it's really difficult to tell a friend that they need to shut up and stop whining, or even difficult to just tell a friend that they're wrong. I guess it's kind of a touchy subject when you're listening to someone complain, cry, whine, fill-in-your-pet-peeve-here, etc. and the only advice that you can give them is that they seem totally unwarranted in what they're saying. the thing is, I may be "insensitive and cruel" (translation: calloused, truthful, harsh, somewhat abrasive at times, honest) but I don't know if my recognizing and admitting that makes me worry about being too harsh or if those two attributes are simply byproducts of the fact that I'll usually, for the most part, tell people when they're being stupid. it just seems like the dichotomy of being a good, supportive friend and being truthful is a really difficult one to navigate.

maybe if you're close enough with a friend you can speak your mind without worry, but maybe not. it's still hard to hear when you're being an idiot, regardless of how useful it is sometimes. so, how far do you go before you cross the line? when do you go from friend to enemy? how do you toe that line?

I'm a big believer in honesty. if I'm being an idiot, I want someone to knock some sense into my head. but, it does have to do with tone. tone and the type of person. some people just want to talk and get their problems out there -- they don't want solutions or advice. but as counter-intuitive as it seems some people, the people that probably know the most about what they're doing, are happy to be told they're being dumb. most times we just overcomplicate situations for ourselves, turn them into bigger issues than they really are. getting an honest, outside, completely objective, third party (okay now I'm just copying she's the man.) opinion simplifies everything. they see things for black and white, less of the grayscale that falls in the middle. while this can be a bad thing (you're missing the intricacies of the situation, I tell you!) they can tell you when your boyfriend is being an abusive shit, when your parents are right, when you should back down and when you should pipe up. that's the beauty of the black and white.

my advice? always speak the truth, it's the easiest way to go. not that I haven't told my fair share of the good ol' white lie (believe me I have) but it's always easier to just tell the truth. so what if you're the bitch for a bit? it'll last you in the long run, I promise.

knowledge ain't all it's cracked up to be.

listening to a holocaust program at school today got me thinking about the idea of being naive, that ignorance is bliss. it's funny how we all pump ourselves full of knowledge and then pull the "no news is good news!" card when it's convenient, or it's what we want to hear. how much of the time we're telling ourselves something, when our gut is really saying the exact opposite. the thing is, is there really anything wrong with that? is it bad to play naive sometimes?

I also got to thinking about hatred. I was running a program with my friend, brina, for freshman about the idea of hatred and genocide (obviously two ideas that are inherently connected to the holocaust). we went around the table and asked each person to say what they hated and why and one girl said that she hated change. this seemed pretty weird to me -- to hate change? I questioned her on it (lightly probed, I'm not going to be accused of accosting a freshman) and she said that obviously change is a good thing but the process of creating change is the problem. now, I couldn't say it at the table, but I definitely disagree with that. I actually love the process of change. I think it's fascinating to watch how things change, how people respond to the changes -- the different reactions and everything, the hypocrisy that change brings along sometimes (that is, of course, seen in hindsight). change is one of those things that is NOT on my things-to-hate list.

another girl said that she hated jealousy. I kind of nodded but then asked her if she thought anything good could come out of jealousy, just to push her a little bit. she said no because jealousy comes with negative connotations. someone countered her by saying that jealousy can push someone to be better. it's funny just because I always thought jealousy was a bad thing -- the worst attribute a person can have, actually, until dan told me one day that he wished I were more jealous. well, I've been brought up my whole life to be NOT jealous, to accept things as they are, to be happy for people when they are successful because jealousy is not productive. here's the thing though: it can be productive and useful and very meaningful, actually. according to shakespeare (in othello, I think it was?) jealousy is also a byproduct of love. technically it's a byproduct of hatred, but according to shakespeare (othello -- or macbeth this time?) love and hatred are closely related because without love you cannot have hatred. the fact is, jealousy, hatred even, shows you care about someone, something. it shows you're passionate about something enough to care about it and wish it had affected you in the same way. that's a pretty powerful idea, you know?

I was going to say the double standard and people who hate feminists. being a senior and being that I was leading the discussion, I never got to present my views. we all know why I hate the double standard (it's obsolete, it's stupid, it's sexist, etc., etc.) and why I hate people who hate feminists (oh, especially women who hate feminism, they are the worst because they're just hypocritical. every woman living in the modern century is innately a feminist. most times they just don't realize it because they believe that feminists don't shave, wax or use any other forms of hair removal. untrue.)

other thoughts to come. I still have a good one from canada written down.

legitimacy, what?

in the spirit of palaniuk's choke, I edited my syntax slightly for this post.

my brilliant mother checked the alarm system last night and discovered that the alarm went off at 11pm last night. she asked me if I had really slept at a friend's house last night.
see also: I lied.
see also: loss of trust.
see also: parental hatred of boyfriend.

regardless, this is absurd. the system that my mother has devised (I limit this to the mother because the father has little do to with ruling in the house) provides me with no way to win. I simply cannot ever succeed. now, this is like a very clever choose-your-own-ending that my mother has devised. a nice little labyrinth that has your standard minotaur, cerberus, medusa and cyclops at each end.

option #1: I tell mom that dan, being amazing, surprised me when I got off amtrak at penn station and he is sleeping over. answer: abso-fucking-lutely not. result: minotaur mauling.
option #2: I tell mom that dan surprised me but he slept at home and I slept at jenna's (as planned). answer: "sarah, I wasn't born yesterday." result: cerberus strangling.
option #3: I tell mom that dan surprised me but he has college friends staying with him so I was forced to sleep at jenna's. answer: to be discussed. result: medusa munching.
option #4: I do not tell mom that dan came home at all. answer: I cannot ever go visit dan because apparently he doesn't care about me enough to come to see me so I should not chase him. result: cyclops crushing.

I chose option #3. granted, I only told mom that dan surprised me today, when she crossed the border, but that wasn't a problem. nope, instead she opted to check the alarm system when she got home. granted, had I gone with option #4 the same scenario would have unfolded, but a little differently. open scene:

[enter me, sitting on my bed, on the phone with dan. mom knocks on door and opens it.]
mom: sarah, can you please get off the phone?
me: sure. [simply put the phone down, do not hang up.]
mom: no. get off the phone.
me: [saying goodnight to dan, hang up the phone.] what's up mom?
mom: what's jenna's mom's phone number? I want to make sure that's really where you slept last night. unless it isn't in which case tell me know. [interjection: I should have told mom at that point and I knew earlier that something was up because mom was being weird. she's pretty easy to read. regardless...]
me: jenna's mom wasn't home. they were in florida.
mom: and you slept there last night?
me: [looking away.] yes. ugh.
mom: then why did the alarm go off at 11pm last night? did someone break into our house?
me: nope, I slept at home. [interjection: I am a pushover with my parents.]
mom: and dan slept here too.
me: yep.
mom: I do not want my house to be used.
me: well there's no way for me to win, is there?
mom: I hope you know, we do not trust you anymore.
[exit mom, leave me sitting on my bed, semi-speechless but not amazed.]
(ps all you crazy burgerlers, we have a gnarly alarm system. if I can't break into my house and I know the code, you will certainly not have an easy time breaking in either.)

anyway, it doesn't really matter. losing my parents' trust isn't such a huge deal simply because I'm hardly reliant on them anymore. sure, I get allowance and saturday night pickups, but do I really need those things? nope, they just happen to be luxuries. I don't want to sound old (I know I do, though) but I have a job and I can crash out of the house on saturday nights. and weeknights too. I have a nice network of people who like me enough to house me.

all I'm saying is that there is no way to win in the current system. I was never like david who just one year stopped listening to parents. granted, dad never really cared as much, so maybe that added to it, but david just never really needed to listen. he was selfish enough to request what he wanted, spoiled enough to get what he wanted, lucky enough to not get caught breaking the rules & sheltered enough that, when he did get caught breaking the rules, it never became a major problem. I never behaved like that. I always listened to mom and dad and maybe that's the problem. david established himself as an adult even as a 16 year old living in the house. I, at almost 18, have yet to do that; of course my parents recognize that I have a job and my own bank account and a life, but they don't quite see me as an adult, as someone capable of making her own decisions. I'm still coaxed into going to bed early because I "get cranky if I don't get enough sleep" and no one, not even my parents, should have to deal with me cranky. there should be sunshine out of my ass all the time, you didn't know?

anyway, maybe it's time to cut the cord. sometimes I think that and it scares me but it's an empowering idea. sometimes though, I do think that maybe I'm getting myself into trouble here -- that I'm separating from my family (david, mom, dad). I'm a little bit confused. I can't bring myself to give anything, anyone up, but I can't quite get myself to live by rules that are messed-up, playing in a game that is impossible to win. so, at what point do I give myself legitimacy as an adult (18 in a matter of weeks, hardly) and where does my family fit in that? how do all these things resolve? there just doesn't seem to be an answer that fits.
see also: family divorce.
see also: loneliness.
see also: isolation.

amtrak does not receive an ode.

pretend this was posted yesterday, for when it was intended.

currently sitting at customs, waiting. I officially hate the train home from canada. not that I love the train to begin with, I'm usually better on planes, buses, the like; I find that trains are often over-air-conditioned and not as comfortable as bolt bus. but, upon hearing that amtrak went wireless (something that bolt bus has done forever) in march and being that I needed to be home for work tomorrow, I was alright with dad getting me a ticket home from montreal on saturday. downsides? it's an 11 hour ride. there is not REALLY any internet on amtrak, they lied. I don't know whose internet I'm stealing. my ipod was thefted a few weeks ago so now I'm using my computer as my music player and it's just large and inconvenient for sleeping. I forgot my seasons of curb, californication and the office AND annie hall in the car so I can't even watch television (especially seeing how amtrak lied and made me think I would be okay because of the wonderful netflix account that has proven to be so wonderful to me over the past few weeks). pretty much not singing amtrak's praises right now.

also, this whole customs thing is terrible. it is so much faster when you are in the car. instead they are checking everyone's everything everywhere and I just want to move. really. and it's really beautiful outside (and has been rainy & gray for the past two days) so I just want to skedaddle the hell out of this train and go for a run. or walk. or skip.

last night I hung out with dan's kivufriend, micha who pretty much just showed me a good time in montreal. I mean we just hung out in his dorm room for a while and I met a bunch of his friends who were all really legit people. good dynamic. I didn't realize that you can JUST be in arts at mcgill, not necessarily fuckin' arts & sciences. well that would have been REALLY nice for someone at the information session to tell me (or, you know, the website when you apply? like back in november? that time?). apparently it's really easy to switch out though, so that puts mcgill back into the picture.

although I have realized that the difference between these schools is just the amount of hand-holding you get while being there. at macaulay it's really like we-grab-on-to-your-hand-and-never-let-go which is nice for some things and terrible for others. take for one, the dean of admissions and your adviser go over your "report card" (transcript?) every single semester for every single aspect of your life (grades, social things, internships, jobs, making sure that you're being the perfect candidate for post-college life, that whole "real world" bullshit). uh, that's a whole lot of mommy-and-daddy-ing for me. and then there's mcgill where, according to micha "advising sucks, you go to them and they make you more confused than you came in being" and apparently you just need to get really good at navigating the mcgill website and figuring shit out on your own. and then there is barnard, which is perfect, but I cannot afford to attend that wonderful, wonderful place. so I cannot go there.

so now I have to decide if advising is very, very, super important to me or if someone else hand wrapped around my throat would choke me. there is such thing as too much love. apparently I have found too much love. if only I could pass it on to everyone else. ah, we're leaving customs. only took almost 2 hours. wonderful! for america's well-being, goodbye! (or ¡adios!)