eggshells.

I'm going to refer back to my yom kippur post. I talked mainly about making sacrifices for those we love and, yes, that post wasn't in vain, but (of course) there's some repercussion creepin' up on me. I was looking at the study abroad programs for december break (they're the only ones posted). I found a very cool one in argentina, studying language and literature, essentially a spanish immersion program (couldn't ask for anything more, right? love language. love food. love spanish culture. would love to go to argentina, especially in december when it's their summer -- awesome.).

so, I asked dan in passing what he thought and suddenly it became a very loaded question. respond yes, go, and suddenly I'm the devil girlfriend who misses his 20th birthday instead of planning him a dinner/party and (in his misguided opinion) would be off making out with someone. respond no, don't go, and he's now the selfish asshole who's deciding things for me. well fuck me, I just wanted some advice.

and now all these questions are flooding my head: was everyone right when they said to drop your boyfriend & emotional baggage when you start college? at what point are the sacrifices not worth it? dan gets to do study abroad and I don't so he's going to break up with me? (of course it didn't help when I read an nytimes article today that said EXPLICITLY "don't go into college with a boyfriend" but whatever.)

so now, where do I go? do I sit around feeling like an idiot, do I walk on eggshells to prevent the inevitable break up? if I know the break up is inevitable, why are we still together? I love you, dan, but at what point does my independence become priority #1? why have you become priority #1? should I drop everything and start from scratch to (essentially, and this is the worst possible wording connotation-wise) "break free?"

I don't fucking know.

stagnation.

so one of erickson's 8 stages of development is "generativity" vs. stagnation.
read: the ability, desire, will to create & be creative vs. being at a lack of creative, novel spirit.

that is how I'm feeling. I feel burnt out. not that this week was particularly hard (it actually feels like freshman year of high school again, there isn't so much work, you're being "eased" into the school) I just feel kind of tired. I'm enthusiastic, I'm confident, I'm independent, I'm still the girl you know, just not with an interesting blog.

funny because I don't know why I was spurning so much creativity when I was at my nice little private jewish day school with the same run-of-the-mill people. maybe it's because I was constantly being challenged to look at aspects of judaism or god or feminism or who knows what else and that sparked something. maybe it's just that the courses here feel a little bland, nothing to really think think about.

and now, off to do some more psych. honestly, if I wasn't taking psych I wouldn't have any work. such is the way of college.

so much fucking psych.

I have nothing. watch the new glee it's awesome. go to chinatown one night for dinner at new green bo it's delicious. don't take psych in college it sucks.

new, jew years resolutions

so every year yom kippur kind of puts me in a very sacred place, this year especially. it always seems like there's one line in the siddur that calls out to me, because of my experiences in the past year, month, week, etc. last year the line was from the morning service, a part that said "for not tolerating in others the faults that we tolerate in ourselves" which just rang true and resonated with me. this year that line was during n'ila (נעילה). it said "we have prayed for the impossible...love without sacrifice." I never saw this line before. maybe it's because I rarely make it to concluding services -- I'm usually passed out in bed -- but there was something about this line that made me look back at the past year and my (now 6-month) relationship with dan.

coming from the strongly independent person that I am, I'm infrequently willing to give up things. I have my own schedule and try to run my own life without other people interfering because, well, most of the time they aren't worth my time. sounds terrible, but most times I would rather be focusing on bettering myself (maybe it's because I have a lot of bettering to do). that isn't to say that I don't give back to my community -- I really try to do so or try to do something that gives of my own time -- but I'm one of those people who is content for the most part being alone, going out once or twice a week, but I can stay to myself and be very happy. this is a skill that I really learned last year and it took a lot of time and focus. I don't think there are many people who enjoy being by themselves, most people get lonely.

anyway, coming from me (and you all know how I am and how fiercely independent I get sometimes), learning to love someone meant I had to make sacrifices -- sacrifices that I don't usually want to make. but, it's for the better. it's hard for me to rely on other people, but I'm glad that I've made that sacrifice and taken that leap of faith. I'm glad that I've incorporated someone else's schedule into mine and given up some of my time for someone else. it's very much worth it.

another thing that stuck a chord this year was something my rabbi said -- yom kippur isn't about looking back on the year and seeing all the ways we intentionally did wrong for two reasons:
1. hopefully, those times of malicious intent are infrequent, and;
2. most times, we can identify when we're intentionally doing wrong and feel guilty about it.
nope. yom kippur is about all those times that you aren't realizing you're offending someone. something that slips out, or something that happens entirely by accident, but really hurts someone else. that's what yom kippur is about. and that's something that people also overlook because they usually focus on the big things that they feel guilt for. instead, try looking at how all the things you do affect everyone around you, and you'll get more out of the atonement prayers you're saying.

so, next year when you're sitting in shul and you're actually ripping your hair out you're so bored, thinking of all the food you'll have at break fast (thanks for breaking out the demi-sec this year, mom!), take a look at what you're saying. there's a lot of meaning in yom kippur, but it's often overshadowed by the lack of food and the frustration we all feel with that. I'm not one for ra-ra spirituality, but when you find meaning in what you're saying and you put your mind (I don't say heart because it sounds way too cheesy) into it all, reflect and think introspectively, you'll forget about the food you aren't eating. promise.

definitely been the worst blogger ever...

soooo...sorry about being totally mia recently. anyone checked out spring rtw 2011? definitely rocking out was max azaria with neutrals, low v-neck dresses, neutrals, and maxi maxi maxi! themes to watch out for:

1. neutrals.
2. lots of solids. (that means colorblocking a la marc jacobs is back, baby!) seriously, hardly ANY prints & patterns this season (which doesn't fade me, colorblocking means bright, contrasting colors and no more animal print!)
3. loose, flowy, billowy shapes. wonderful. I don't have to invest in a new wardrobe at all.
4. cinch-waist belts on...everything. actually. looking through cynthia steffe's rtw line was looking at everything with waist-belts (which is very cute and VERY flattering, don't get me wrong, especially against the billowy dresses & tops)
5. structured dresses. still big. simple, with a structured, heavy detail. also, the fancier dresses (see prabal gurung, love him) were very heavy material, but not in a bad way.


crop tops were looking big, crocheted was decent, leather was eh. definitely put your animal prints, cutouts, frills/ruffles (gag me) & microminis to the back of the closet please! look for interesting necklines (MY FAVORITE) and anything sweet but not too girly. pretty much, I couldn't have asked for anything more.

keep it simple, baby. you can't go wrong with simple.

labor day craze phase.

sooo nothing interesting has really been going on recently. apparently said professor in the post below stole her idea from the times. or maybe she was the one who wrote the times article. wouldn't that be pretty clutch? also, she isn't so snooty anymore. so that's a plus.

weekend mania: boy came to visit with friends. went to ps1 (the first public school in the city -- queens, to be specific -- turned modern art museum) for some sick concert all around playground shit. very nice.

there was this really clutch internship at pitchfork (cool indie mag/website/tv) but apparently I'm too late in applications -- summer job, anyone? and I've been falling very behind in my blogging/following npr all songs considered/pma/vodka & vinyl so I gotta get on that.

more to come later once I get on top of my game again. fret not.