eggshells.

I'm going to refer back to my yom kippur post. I talked mainly about making sacrifices for those we love and, yes, that post wasn't in vain, but (of course) there's some repercussion creepin' up on me. I was looking at the study abroad programs for december break (they're the only ones posted). I found a very cool one in argentina, studying language and literature, essentially a spanish immersion program (couldn't ask for anything more, right? love language. love food. love spanish culture. would love to go to argentina, especially in december when it's their summer -- awesome.).

so, I asked dan in passing what he thought and suddenly it became a very loaded question. respond yes, go, and suddenly I'm the devil girlfriend who misses his 20th birthday instead of planning him a dinner/party and (in his misguided opinion) would be off making out with someone. respond no, don't go, and he's now the selfish asshole who's deciding things for me. well fuck me, I just wanted some advice.

and now all these questions are flooding my head: was everyone right when they said to drop your boyfriend & emotional baggage when you start college? at what point are the sacrifices not worth it? dan gets to do study abroad and I don't so he's going to break up with me? (of course it didn't help when I read an nytimes article today that said EXPLICITLY "don't go into college with a boyfriend" but whatever.)

so now, where do I go? do I sit around feeling like an idiot, do I walk on eggshells to prevent the inevitable break up? if I know the break up is inevitable, why are we still together? I love you, dan, but at what point does my independence become priority #1? why have you become priority #1? should I drop everything and start from scratch to (essentially, and this is the worst possible wording connotation-wise) "break free?"

I don't fucking know.