so last night was (again) a night of stupid things that cannot be recounted in public domain. to let you all get a feel for what happened I will give you insight through I conversation I just had with my best friend, lili.
me: it had nothing to do with him, it's just that shit hit the fan
lili: more like the sink broke off the wall but, whatever.
need I say more?
now I guess I'll cut the bullshit and write about what I wanted to write about, which is trust. I've actually never had the problem or found if hard to invest in someone and trust them, perhaps because I'm a very trusting individual and often look to kindness from strangers as innate goodness and trustworthiness. maybe that should be reevaluated, but I've never find it necessary, even though people say chivalry is dead. it ain't.
it just confuses me because I approach trust with a very interesting, different attitude. I cannot stay mad with people for a long time, even people who break my trust. usually this isn't the case. I don't know, something about grudges and revenge just doesn't appeal to me. I forgive and forget very easily (a trait that, I hope, people don't abuse). I don't take things personally most times and I often see no problem being un-mad at the offender later that day. I guess I understand that shit happens and being mad doesn't solve any problems; it just creates unnecessary drama. either you forgive and forget quickly or you decide that certain friendships aren't worth it. usually I pick the former because I hate losing friends and nothing really ever seems like such a big deal to me (sad that, as I'm writing this, I hear myself being a bad person with no values or sense of perspective on life. whatever, that's who I am. I just have to accept it I guess).
there is no proposal, there is no promise to myself. just, in all my searching I need to ask myself if this is the kind of person I want to be:
do I want to forgive and forget, and risk being walked all over (not that I think I am, at all. frankly I think people are too scared of me to try walking all over me)
or
do I want to establish a sense of values, a hierarchy (of sorts) of shitty things that people can do and how they would effect me and hold some grudges. (I ask myself this because it seems like it would give me a little more meaning and insight into my friendships, who I can trust, etc.)
the problems are:
#1. I don't think it's fair to force myself to have values that I don't innately have. values are supposed to be gut reactions, aren't they?
#1b. how would said list be composed? I don't take things personally and I don't remember a lot of people who have done shitty things to me because I don't bother remembering.
#2. is it fair for me to suddenly decide to act like this after all of the trust that I have broken?
#3. would this benefit me at all?
so now I will take my space and I will decide. I guess if I decide that I want to hold grudges, I'll have to behave a little more cautiously so as to not break the trust that others invest in me. maybe that's why I don't bother holding grudges...it would be terribly hypocritical of me.
anyway, a special shoutout to matt g. for helping me last night, a serious apology to anyone I was a real shit to last night (I'm quite the belligerent drunk I've been told), and remember folks: don't have drinks & break sinks. not a good combo, forreals.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
a snow(ed in) day.
dear friends.
as I sit in my nice toasty bed, I realize that this day could only have been better if I owned a onesie. sadly, target only sells them for indivduals 18 months old and younger. they also call them "blanket sleepers." all I want is a flannel onesie. is that so much to ask?
after watching Keeping the Faith last night (one of my absolute favorite movies), I realized how pertinent it is to my life. the two people (enter Jenna Elfman & Ben Stiller) care about each other deeply, have this nearly instant chemistry, and have to keep their relationship a secret. in the end (almost) everything is botched because of their religion differences. I just thought about my post about interfaith marriage and relationships and it made me so happy that my parents would never get so mad if I developed feelings for someone who isn't jewish. I guess this is a point that the movie makes because the mother (enter Anne Bancroft, thank you Mrs. Robinson!) apologizes for even making religious differences an issue. Ben Stiller, a rabbi in the movie, talks a lot about faith and trust and the importance of those two attributes in pretty much all aspects of life.
and so I took some time to relate this movie back to my life. I want to have faith in D, but it's hard (especially when I hear he wants to try substances that make you incredibly horny). he's away, sometimes I feel like I need more than he gives, etc., etc. but in the end, faith and trust is really the only thing that I have to fall back on. I have to trust that he'll be honest with me, I have to have faith that what he says is true.
but how do I trust someone who keeps hurting me? at what point do I have to lose trust in that individual? it doesn't have to be a boy even -- it can be a friend, a mentor, a teacher, anyone. all that I know is that I need to have faith and trust in a relationship that I believe in. it's hard, but I guess it's the only thing that I have for sure. and faith is a feeling, a gut instinct that you can't fight -- so don't fight it.
as I sit in my nice toasty bed, I realize that this day could only have been better if I owned a onesie. sadly, target only sells them for indivduals 18 months old and younger. they also call them "blanket sleepers." all I want is a flannel onesie. is that so much to ask?
after watching Keeping the Faith last night (one of my absolute favorite movies), I realized how pertinent it is to my life. the two people (enter Jenna Elfman & Ben Stiller) care about each other deeply, have this nearly instant chemistry, and have to keep their relationship a secret. in the end (almost) everything is botched because of their religion differences. I just thought about my post about interfaith marriage and relationships and it made me so happy that my parents would never get so mad if I developed feelings for someone who isn't jewish. I guess this is a point that the movie makes because the mother (enter Anne Bancroft, thank you Mrs. Robinson!) apologizes for even making religious differences an issue. Ben Stiller, a rabbi in the movie, talks a lot about faith and trust and the importance of those two attributes in pretty much all aspects of life.
and so I took some time to relate this movie back to my life. I want to have faith in D, but it's hard (especially when I hear he wants to try substances that make you incredibly horny). he's away, sometimes I feel like I need more than he gives, etc., etc. but in the end, faith and trust is really the only thing that I have to fall back on. I have to trust that he'll be honest with me, I have to have faith that what he says is true.
but how do I trust someone who keeps hurting me? at what point do I have to lose trust in that individual? it doesn't have to be a boy even -- it can be a friend, a mentor, a teacher, anyone. all that I know is that I need to have faith and trust in a relationship that I believe in. it's hard, but I guess it's the only thing that I have for sure. and faith is a feeling, a gut instinct that you can't fight -- so don't fight it.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
viva la pluralism!
to recap: the last 3 days have been spent indoors. the first whiff of fresh, non-recycled air I got in 3 days was this afternoon. I am an outdoorsy type person (to some extent). being without fresh air is a bit of an issue.
to tell the honest truth, I had a really good time at model un this year; there was a very good balance between fun & seriousness in committee sessions, I didn't bother meeting people or making friends outside of sessions (or in sessions too much for that matter) and I kind of just stuck to myself. nice.
anyway, it's amazing to see how these people at these sessions go NUTS over yeshiva university. it's like constant drool. they look rabid. also, the amount of people who go to this thing JUST to meet other jews is unbelievable. while I was sticking to myself, people were out there meeting their future shomer-negiah spouse. I shit you not. again.
I guess I have moms & pops to thank for not ever making me think that I need to marry a jew. granted, that would be pretty hypocritical on their end given their connection to the interfaith marriage world, but still. putting me through 13 years of jewish day school and still being considerably alright with the idea of me marrying a non-jew is a pretty big feat.
another facet of this conference that fascinated me was how out of my comfort zone I was. it's incredible that the different denominations of judaism are really SO different in so many different ways. dress, mannerisms, behavior, attitude, resonance, etc., etc. the list could seriously continue. what has judaism become? how can all these people from all these different backgrounds with all these different beliefs in God really be jewish? that's why I've begun to tell people that judaism is a religion of selfishness -- a pick and choose, salad bar religion. the different denominations of judaism enable each practicing jew to pick and choose which aspects of the religion resonate with said individual. this doesn't mean that the person even has to opt for all of the ideas of a specific denomination; you can associate your views with one denomination and call yourself a practicing other-denomination (it's like calling yourself fiscally conservative but everything else liberal...to a certain extent). anyway, this aspect of judaism is its greatest strength and weakness all in one.
how to we connect as a nation? what are the underlying characteristics that make us jewish? (there are none, unless I'm wrong in which case feel free to correct me) what can we say connects everyone? there is nothing. but, how has judaism survived? why do people still keep converting in? (because people can make judaism fit into their lives in pretty much any way they want, which gives religion a place in a primarily secular-dominant society).
and so I take this time to express my love for pluralism, the idea that we can all learn together and respect each other and coexist in one environment. it sounds like coexistance should be required inter-religiously, but it kind of just needs to exist intra-religiously first. denominations of judaism need to respect each other and live together (ah, israel, if only you could do this for us...but you cannot). and that's where pluralism comes in. it allows each person to be selfish in the best way possible by giving everyone the respect that religion commands and is so frequently lost in day-to-day life.
and so I preach pluralism over orthodoxy or reform or conservative or conservadox. pluralism: the best form of selfishness ever; the selfishness to be independent. how's that for a novel, 21st century idea?
to tell the honest truth, I had a really good time at model un this year; there was a very good balance between fun & seriousness in committee sessions, I didn't bother meeting people or making friends outside of sessions (or in sessions too much for that matter) and I kind of just stuck to myself. nice.
anyway, it's amazing to see how these people at these sessions go NUTS over yeshiva university. it's like constant drool. they look rabid. also, the amount of people who go to this thing JUST to meet other jews is unbelievable. while I was sticking to myself, people were out there meeting their future shomer-negiah spouse. I shit you not. again.
I guess I have moms & pops to thank for not ever making me think that I need to marry a jew. granted, that would be pretty hypocritical on their end given their connection to the interfaith marriage world, but still. putting me through 13 years of jewish day school and still being considerably alright with the idea of me marrying a non-jew is a pretty big feat.
another facet of this conference that fascinated me was how out of my comfort zone I was. it's incredible that the different denominations of judaism are really SO different in so many different ways. dress, mannerisms, behavior, attitude, resonance, etc., etc. the list could seriously continue. what has judaism become? how can all these people from all these different backgrounds with all these different beliefs in God really be jewish? that's why I've begun to tell people that judaism is a religion of selfishness -- a pick and choose, salad bar religion. the different denominations of judaism enable each practicing jew to pick and choose which aspects of the religion resonate with said individual. this doesn't mean that the person even has to opt for all of the ideas of a specific denomination; you can associate your views with one denomination and call yourself a practicing other-denomination (it's like calling yourself fiscally conservative but everything else liberal...to a certain extent). anyway, this aspect of judaism is its greatest strength and weakness all in one.
how to we connect as a nation? what are the underlying characteristics that make us jewish? (there are none, unless I'm wrong in which case feel free to correct me) what can we say connects everyone? there is nothing. but, how has judaism survived? why do people still keep converting in? (because people can make judaism fit into their lives in pretty much any way they want, which gives religion a place in a primarily secular-dominant society).
and so I take this time to express my love for pluralism, the idea that we can all learn together and respect each other and coexist in one environment. it sounds like coexistance should be required inter-religiously, but it kind of just needs to exist intra-religiously first. denominations of judaism need to respect each other and live together (ah, israel, if only you could do this for us...but you cannot). and that's where pluralism comes in. it allows each person to be selfish in the best way possible by giving everyone the respect that religion commands and is so frequently lost in day-to-day life.
and so I preach pluralism over orthodoxy or reform or conservative or conservadox. pluralism: the best form of selfishness ever; the selfishness to be independent. how's that for a novel, 21st century idea?
Monday, February 22, 2010
yunmun xx
oh hey. yep. it's that time of year; that one weekend in february when my vitamin d deficiency severely increases because it's yeshiva university model u.n. (and therefore I camp out inside for 3 days straight. talk about extreme hibernation.)
internet here blows so there isn't much that I have the ability to write about now, but some major keywords and themes of the past few days (note: these words seem to be the case from year-to-year):
1. food.
2. shacharit, mincha (yeah right, nap time), maariv.
3. more food.
4. hours of committee sessions.
5. losing focus in hours of committee sessions.
6. the meeting of future jewish husband/wives.
7. knowing people by country, not name.
and the list could really continue. I shit you not.
needless to say, this conference REALLY makes me appreciate pluralism. lots.
more music love to report on later, I haven't been the best at listening to npr recently, but I've weeded out some top choices that'll be posted when I get home tomorrow. ah, home. what a far-off, novel concept. (college should be fun now...)
internet here blows so there isn't much that I have the ability to write about now, but some major keywords and themes of the past few days (note: these words seem to be the case from year-to-year):
1. food.
2. shacharit, mincha (yeah right, nap time), maariv.
3. more food.
4. hours of committee sessions.
5. losing focus in hours of committee sessions.
6. the meeting of future jewish husband/wives.
7. knowing people by country, not name.
and the list could really continue. I shit you not.
needless to say, this conference REALLY makes me appreciate pluralism. lots.
more music love to report on later, I haven't been the best at listening to npr recently, but I've weeded out some top choices that'll be posted when I get home tomorrow. ah, home. what a far-off, novel concept. (college should be fun now...)
Friday, February 19, 2010
crazy heart!
JEFF BRIDGES + MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL + WHISKEY + COUNTRY MUSIC = SUCCESS!
see it! that is all!
also, I've noticed that movies do not have these happily-ever-endings that were so characteristic of the '90s & early '00s. I like that -- movies are becoming more realistic. I'm a big fan of realism.
check out the soundtrack on grooveshark.com (just type in the search term "crazy heart") and enjoy!
see it! that is all!
also, I've noticed that movies do not have these happily-ever-endings that were so characteristic of the '90s & early '00s. I like that -- movies are becoming more realistic. I'm a big fan of realism.
check out the soundtrack on grooveshark.com (just type in the search term "crazy heart") and enjoy!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
my next life: being a tent at bryant park.
nahz, I'd be happy being a spectator, not a tent. but think about all of the great things that those tents get to see!
checking out fall 2010 rtw (ready-to-wear) now. lots of neutrals: camels, grays, blacks, whites. nothing super exciting (except for oscar de la renta, leave it to that guy to kick ass with color). also, lots of fur (watch out, peta's going to have a field day...). fur on coats, fur on hats, fur throws/shawls (think roaring 20's, great gatsby). I think we're just about done with the exposed zipper (thank the lord, it's about time).
also, let me just say that I freaking LOVE anna sui. more. than. anything.
I haven't gotten through much; I just realized how much work I have to do before break is over. drat.
anyway, attaching clips of some of my favorites and some of my least favorites. enjoy, friends.
likes:
(oscar de la renta)
dislikes:
checking out fall 2010 rtw (ready-to-wear) now. lots of neutrals: camels, grays, blacks, whites. nothing super exciting (except for oscar de la renta, leave it to that guy to kick ass with color). also, lots of fur (watch out, peta's going to have a field day...). fur on coats, fur on hats, fur throws/shawls (think roaring 20's, great gatsby). I think we're just about done with the exposed zipper (thank the lord, it's about time).
also, let me just say that I freaking LOVE anna sui. more. than. anything.
I haven't gotten through much; I just realized how much work I have to do before break is over. drat.
anyway, attaching clips of some of my favorites and some of my least favorites. enjoy, friends.
likes:
(oscar de la renta)
(anna sui)
dislikes:
(vena cava)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
oh hay college, oh hay
funny how being accepted to college hasn't changed me one single bit. I still feel this weight on my shoulder for the work that I have to do...like the term paper research, the spanish memorization, etc.?
the count? currently 1(.5) for 3:
let the record note the list.
rejection(s):
1. columbia u.
acceptance(s):
1. hunter c. (with the remaining .5 for the honors program)
2. mcgill u.
for those of you looking for a movie to watch: check out crazy heart (jeff bridges, maggie gyllenhaal, a lil' bit of colin ferrell thrown into the mix). great soundtrack too (even those of you who don't like country music might like it...like me!)
shoutout to ka$ha. much love to that girl.
the count? currently 1(.5) for 3:
let the record note the list.
rejection(s):
1. columbia u.
acceptance(s):
1. hunter c. (with the remaining .5 for the honors program)
2. mcgill u.
for those of you looking for a movie to watch: check out crazy heart (jeff bridges, maggie gyllenhaal, a lil' bit of colin ferrell thrown into the mix). great soundtrack too (even those of you who don't like country music might like it...like me!)
shoutout to ka$ha. much love to that girl.
Friday, February 12, 2010
the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love & be loved in return.
yes, yes, that is a movie quotation from Moulin Rouge (a fantastic movie that I actually haven't seen in a while) and a good one at that. as pathetic and cliche as it sounds (and as ironic as it sounds coming from me), I will dedicate this blogpost to the upcoming, very americanized holiday: Valentine's Day.
while I think the mantra used to be "the older you get, the more valentine's day means to you," I find it to be quite the opposite in my opinion. this year, with no one predestined to be my "valentine" (disclaimer: I hate that term) because I'm not in a relationship, I find myself totally liberated, not depressed. I just remember being younger and watching a lizzy maguire episode about valentine's day and thinking to myself "wow, I hope when I get to high school I always have a boyfriend to spend valentine's day with." I definitely no longer think that way.
valentine's day is much like your birthday in that you want everything to work out flawlessly and reflect all good things of your life, relationship, friendship, etc. and you hold the day to an oddly higher standard. why? there's no reason. in fact, it's even less justified than expecting your birthday to be the paragon of excellence in your life. valentine's day doesn't MEAN anything. it means cards, roses, candy, a boost in hallmark sales (okay, that's me being cynical) and, what I believe to be the most frequent trademark, dissappointment.
why was I so disappointed upon receiving hair in a card 2 years ago? it was certainly funny and any other day I would have laughed my ass off. but, when I got a card with hair, what I initially believed to be a mouse corpse, I was aghast. I had spent time and money on said boyfriend's present, making it clever and cute, and he gave me a card with hair in it? I guess it reinforced the pathetic reality that I had been shielding myself from: this guy was a weirdo. if it took a pink card that contained his freshly trimmed hair to prove this to myself, then shame on me. needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter.
why had I been so angry though? I could never answer this question for myself. I didn't know why I was so mad at him, what triggered my brain to finally recognize this kid's weirdness or why I didn't open the card and start laughing. I guess it's because I had been expecting something sweet -- roses, a nice card, something personal? nothing big, I'm hardly the romantic OR the high maintenance girl in the relationship, but something more than the hairy card.
and so I continue my tale: this is the first year that, by chance, I have no boyfriend. so, I am traveling to philadelphia, amidst its snow & sleet, to spend valentine's day with my best friend lexi. as per every previous year, I bought a present for my valentine: 2 books (1 art book, 1 little book of pep-talks & picker-uppers). even if lexi doesn't get me anything back (which she probably won't) I know that I won't be disappointed. I don't want to look at valentine's day in the traditional way; rather, I want to see it as somewhat of a thanksgiving. I am thankful for lexi so I will be spending valentine's day with her. and I know that I love her and she loves me back...and if we're not in anything more than a platonic relationship (more akin to a sisterhood for us), that is a-okay by me.
for those of you suffering breakups or want some music love, check out this tribute to breakup songs. oh npr, you never cease to amaze me.
while I think the mantra used to be "the older you get, the more valentine's day means to you," I find it to be quite the opposite in my opinion. this year, with no one predestined to be my "valentine" (disclaimer: I hate that term) because I'm not in a relationship, I find myself totally liberated, not depressed. I just remember being younger and watching a lizzy maguire episode about valentine's day and thinking to myself "wow, I hope when I get to high school I always have a boyfriend to spend valentine's day with." I definitely no longer think that way.
valentine's day is much like your birthday in that you want everything to work out flawlessly and reflect all good things of your life, relationship, friendship, etc. and you hold the day to an oddly higher standard. why? there's no reason. in fact, it's even less justified than expecting your birthday to be the paragon of excellence in your life. valentine's day doesn't MEAN anything. it means cards, roses, candy, a boost in hallmark sales (okay, that's me being cynical) and, what I believe to be the most frequent trademark, dissappointment.
why was I so disappointed upon receiving hair in a card 2 years ago? it was certainly funny and any other day I would have laughed my ass off. but, when I got a card with hair, what I initially believed to be a mouse corpse, I was aghast. I had spent time and money on said boyfriend's present, making it clever and cute, and he gave me a card with hair in it? I guess it reinforced the pathetic reality that I had been shielding myself from: this guy was a weirdo. if it took a pink card that contained his freshly trimmed hair to prove this to myself, then shame on me. needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter.
why had I been so angry though? I could never answer this question for myself. I didn't know why I was so mad at him, what triggered my brain to finally recognize this kid's weirdness or why I didn't open the card and start laughing. I guess it's because I had been expecting something sweet -- roses, a nice card, something personal? nothing big, I'm hardly the romantic OR the high maintenance girl in the relationship, but something more than the hairy card.
and so I continue my tale: this is the first year that, by chance, I have no boyfriend. so, I am traveling to philadelphia, amidst its snow & sleet, to spend valentine's day with my best friend lexi. as per every previous year, I bought a present for my valentine: 2 books (1 art book, 1 little book of pep-talks & picker-uppers). even if lexi doesn't get me anything back (which she probably won't) I know that I won't be disappointed. I don't want to look at valentine's day in the traditional way; rather, I want to see it as somewhat of a thanksgiving. I am thankful for lexi so I will be spending valentine's day with her. and I know that I love her and she loves me back...and if we're not in anything more than a platonic relationship (more akin to a sisterhood for us), that is a-okay by me.
for those of you suffering breakups or want some music love, check out this tribute to breakup songs. oh npr, you never cease to amaze me.
Friday, February 5, 2010
too much is always just enough.
I want to check in with myself (and with my current blog readers -- I do believe there are about 4 of you right now) and talk about high school drama, which there seems to be a lot of as of late. I've known this for a while, but I couldn't be happier that I never really got myself involved in a lot my grade's drama. instead, I've wrapped myself up in personal drama.
well, is this better or worse than grade drama? it sounds so juvenile to think about it, but really, it's not. friend drama is supposed to be something you cannot escape, regardless of age; it starts in middle school (it's really the worst there), continues in high school, follows you to college and then to the workplace, but does it ever go away? and is it better to be involved in group drama or personal drama?
on one hand, personal drama is much, much worse. group drama is severe and has the potential to hurt you on a much larger, widespread scale. as in, you fight with one friend in a group and suddenly everyone is picking sides and hearing all kinds of stories and there is the possibility of a whole group of people turning on you...and suddenly you've lost all of your friends. rumors start, it's harder to win back a big group of people, etc., etc. but, with group drama, you know that you can talk to people and they'll understand and have an opinion because:
1. they've heard both (and many more) sides of the story, and;
2. they know the people you're talking about so they can tell you if you're being stupid, misinterpreting, misreading, etc.
but, you know that no matter what, the drama will interfere with the group dynamic. and that is an issue.
personal drama, on the other hand, doesn't involve anyone from the group. so, while no one really gets hurt (other than you, that is) and you don't ruin a group of friends, no one else really cares about personal drama. it's sad, but totally true. also, no one can give you a definite answer regarding the situation because they don't ever really know the person you're having drama with. you end up feeling kind of lonely and helpless because there's no right answer.
so, while I've had more personal drama than group drama in high school, I'm not complaining. I can deal with personal drama, feeling lonely, freaking out (to some extent) that I'm talking too much about myself (let's face it, most people like to talk about themselves, it doesn't make us arrogant or notably egotistical even, it just makes us human), but I don't know if I would be able to deal as well with group drama. I don't think it's healthy. I don't think that fighting with best friends should involve a group. and that's why I've always been somewhat of a floater/loner. not a loner like eat-lunch-in-the-girls-bathroom type, but I do always feel a little out of the loop. then again, I think that's also normal.
I advocate personal drama to group drama. good friends will always listen to you tell the story, even if they don't know all parties involved. but where do you go when you have no friends to tell?
well, is this better or worse than grade drama? it sounds so juvenile to think about it, but really, it's not. friend drama is supposed to be something you cannot escape, regardless of age; it starts in middle school (it's really the worst there), continues in high school, follows you to college and then to the workplace, but does it ever go away? and is it better to be involved in group drama or personal drama?
on one hand, personal drama is much, much worse. group drama is severe and has the potential to hurt you on a much larger, widespread scale. as in, you fight with one friend in a group and suddenly everyone is picking sides and hearing all kinds of stories and there is the possibility of a whole group of people turning on you...and suddenly you've lost all of your friends. rumors start, it's harder to win back a big group of people, etc., etc. but, with group drama, you know that you can talk to people and they'll understand and have an opinion because:
1. they've heard both (and many more) sides of the story, and;
2. they know the people you're talking about so they can tell you if you're being stupid, misinterpreting, misreading, etc.
but, you know that no matter what, the drama will interfere with the group dynamic. and that is an issue.
personal drama, on the other hand, doesn't involve anyone from the group. so, while no one really gets hurt (other than you, that is) and you don't ruin a group of friends, no one else really cares about personal drama. it's sad, but totally true. also, no one can give you a definite answer regarding the situation because they don't ever really know the person you're having drama with. you end up feeling kind of lonely and helpless because there's no right answer.
so, while I've had more personal drama than group drama in high school, I'm not complaining. I can deal with personal drama, feeling lonely, freaking out (to some extent) that I'm talking too much about myself (let's face it, most people like to talk about themselves, it doesn't make us arrogant or notably egotistical even, it just makes us human), but I don't know if I would be able to deal as well with group drama. I don't think it's healthy. I don't think that fighting with best friends should involve a group. and that's why I've always been somewhat of a floater/loner. not a loner like eat-lunch-in-the-girls-bathroom type, but I do always feel a little out of the loop. then again, I think that's also normal.
I advocate personal drama to group drama. good friends will always listen to you tell the story, even if they don't know all parties involved. but where do you go when you have no friends to tell?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
keep holding on (or just let go?)
when it comes to major situations, sometimes I seriously have no answers. you know, big questions (i.e. connection to god, meaning of life, purpose of religion, etc.) but I kind of just have to be content thinking about the answers and in a constant state of reevaluation. if these thoughts were webpages, they would be like live streaming videos, constantly rebuffering.
so the same thing goes now: there is no easy answer to decide whether or not I let an important person in my life go. is he hurting me more than he's helping me? sure. can I let him go? no. when it all feels so simple, it's clear that they are many more complexities than you wish to face. it's questions like these that seem so easy to answer and impossible to enact. while I know that it kills me inside to talk to you, no, I cannot stop doing so.
which leads me to wonder, do I talk to people who are bad for me because I search for some sort of reassurance that they do, in fact, like me?
I don't want to believe that this is the reason I maintain relationships with these archetypes; I want to think I'm better than that in some way. but, I know I'm not. I guess what's reassuring is that no one is better than that -- it's totally human and natural to crave acceptance and appreciation.
and upon realizing this, I have to question why I'm not happy with what I have. why do I keep fighting for acceptance and love from people that I:
A. know are no good for me, and;
B. are never going to be who I want them to be?
do I want to train or persuade these people to like me? and, if so, why do I care?
these are the questions I ask myself pretty frequently (again, I'm the rebuffering webpage, remember?) and I still don't have the answer. what frustrates me is that, no matter how much introspection and reevaluation I do, I will never have the answer to this question. ultimately, I have no idea what to do. I'm helpless.
for those of you looking for music love, check out M. Ward. I'll start you off with Chinese Translation. enjoy from there.
so the same thing goes now: there is no easy answer to decide whether or not I let an important person in my life go. is he hurting me more than he's helping me? sure. can I let him go? no. when it all feels so simple, it's clear that they are many more complexities than you wish to face. it's questions like these that seem so easy to answer and impossible to enact. while I know that it kills me inside to talk to you, no, I cannot stop doing so.
which leads me to wonder, do I talk to people who are bad for me because I search for some sort of reassurance that they do, in fact, like me?
I don't want to believe that this is the reason I maintain relationships with these archetypes; I want to think I'm better than that in some way. but, I know I'm not. I guess what's reassuring is that no one is better than that -- it's totally human and natural to crave acceptance and appreciation.
and upon realizing this, I have to question why I'm not happy with what I have. why do I keep fighting for acceptance and love from people that I:
A. know are no good for me, and;
B. are never going to be who I want them to be?
do I want to train or persuade these people to like me? and, if so, why do I care?
these are the questions I ask myself pretty frequently (again, I'm the rebuffering webpage, remember?) and I still don't have the answer. what frustrates me is that, no matter how much introspection and reevaluation I do, I will never have the answer to this question. ultimately, I have no idea what to do. I'm helpless.
for those of you looking for music love, check out M. Ward. I'll start you off with Chinese Translation. enjoy from there.
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