keep holding on (or just let go?)

when it comes to major situations, sometimes I seriously have no answers. you know, big questions (i.e. connection to god, meaning of life, purpose of religion, etc.) but I kind of just have to be content thinking about the answers and in a constant state of reevaluation. if these thoughts were webpages, they would be like live streaming videos, constantly rebuffering.

so the same thing goes now: there is no easy answer to decide whether or not I let an important person in my life go. is he hurting me more than he's helping me? sure. can I let him go? no. when it all feels so simple, it's clear that they are many more complexities than you wish to face. it's questions like these that seem so easy to answer and impossible to enact. while I know that it kills me inside to talk to you, no, I cannot stop doing so.

which leads me to wonder, do I talk to people who are bad for me because I search for some sort of reassurance that they do, in fact, like me?

I don't want to believe that this is the reason I maintain relationships with these archetypes; I want to think I'm better than that in some way. but, I know I'm not. I guess what's reassuring is that no one is better than that -- it's totally human and natural to crave acceptance and appreciation.

and upon realizing this, I have to question why I'm not happy with what I have. why do I keep fighting for acceptance and love from people that I:
A. know are no good for me, and;
B. are never going to be who I want them to be?
do I want to train or persuade these people to like me? and, if so, why do I care?

these are the questions I ask myself pretty frequently (again, I'm the rebuffering webpage, remember?) and I still don't have the answer. what frustrates me is that, no matter how much introspection and reevaluation I do, I will never have the answer to this question. ultimately, I have no idea what to do. I'm helpless.

for those of you looking for music love, check out M. Ward. I'll start you off with Chinese Translation. enjoy from there.