apocalyptica?

so I'm not usually the type of person to be swayed by politics. for the most part I'm pretty down to earth, maintaining an everything-will-be-fine attitude. well, with these crazy wikileaks, I'm suddenly feeling this burden of "oh no, what if everything is not fine?"

so while I'm thinking this and day after tomorrow, war of the worlds, armageddon, etc. images are playing through my head (cue impending-doom music as well), I realize that, well, there's a possibility of a nuclear war. and I don't even know what that really means, I just know that it means a lot of death, a lot of destruction, and a lot of world war III.

not that I have the first idea of how to go about fixing this situation (please, I'm no politician), but it's a relatively scary thought that this round-the-world arms race is happening. even with countries trying to establish peace, what is getting done? how will we solve this? I guess this is why every beauty pageant (okay maybe this is just a miss congeniality reference) contestant asks for world peace but it's pretty scary to think of the other possibility -- the opposite of world peace being world war (thanks hobbes?), which could happen now. uh-oh.

the infinite fight.

I'm really sick of feeling lonely. I don't know why, sometimes it just hits. especially now, when I know break is next week so there's isn't THAT much work but there's still stuff to do that I keep thinking I can put off and it's cold out so I don't want to go for a walk or go grocery shopping or anything. It's kind of like an I-just-want-to-nap-so-I-don't-have-to-think-about-anything kinda thing, which cannot be good for your health, just saying.

I just feel like I feel this way a lot. okay, I know I'm not the only college freshman to not be adjusted & comfortable yet (I mean, I feel like I'm adjusted & comfortable which is the weirder part) but it really sucks! I'm not whining, swearsies, I'm just meh. feeling meh. which, as psych100 tells us, is a mood-dependent cue. so, since I'm unhappyish I'm going to keep feeling this way. so, guess the only thing to do is take a nap & focus on something nice like friends being home for thanksgiving and going out tonight. it'll all be better in an hour or so, I can feel it.

why the internet sucks.

dirpy? shut down. pitchfork & npr won't let me download. soundcloud doesn't let most people download also. mojo? apparently no longer existent.

seriously -- what the fuck? I just want to listen to music. I get it -- artists want money -- but seriously, most of the money that they make off online downloads DOESN'T GO TO THEM. they get most of their profit from concerts which I would obviously go to IF I could listen to their music.

what bullshit.

(how ironic that I'm writing this online.)

rhymes with armistice.

...homesickness. or not even homesickness. lack-of-a-real-college-campus-and-parents-because-they're-in-madrid-need-a-break-from-school-ness. that's right. I miss my parents. I wish I had a campus. I need a break from school.

why on earth would I miss my parents (other teenagers are definitely feeling the blasphemy here)? I see my parents once a week. that's a perfect amount to help out a little bit in the office, get dinner & catch up, get a ride home and NOT get sick of them. so missing that one week is a lot for me. it's alright, they got home yesterday, I went with dad to get mom from the airport and we went out for dinner and today was tuesday which is our weekly dinner night so I got two nights back to back AND I got presents from madrid. I also love my parents. they're really cool and easy to talk to and just kind of awesome. I definitely lucked out in that category.

needing a campus? that was a recent thing. it just hit me that I have NO school community. I don't feel connected to hunter AT ALL. I love my friends here, in the dorm (yeah, the ONE dorm) but college feels more like high school than college and I don't really know what to do about that. there's no roll-out-of-bed-run-to-class-dining-hall-dinner kind of college experience here and, while I thought I would be okay with it, I'm really not. it's the only time in my life I'll ever have the option of having that experience and I feel like I'm going to look back in 20 years and feel like I cheated myself out of a great "college experience." I know that's the typical college experience and I'm not typical but once in a while I'd like the typical experience too. everyone else gets it and I know I'm able to handle this arrangement and be happy, but I think I would be happier somewhere else. as mom put it...I "would only be happy at columbia." tough nougies for me.

and needing a break from school? not that things are particularly difficult here (I didn't study for my psych test, I got a 97), it's just that I haven't had a real break since school started. we had off for holidays but I go to shul for holidays or have family dinners for holidays so they're not REAL holidays. I'm just ready for a break.

lonely so soon?

sucks to leave cornell and not have dan at my disposal. in general, it sucks going back to college where there's no boyfriend to hug. I'm so lucky that I have my girls -- don't know what I would do without them -- but I miss cuddling. maybe it's because I listen to depressing music? seriously, I have zero motivation to do work. not that I have anything due tomorrow that I haven't already done (zero percent chance I'm editing a rough draft of a paper. not happening. seriously. it's anthro) and I don't reeeeeeally want to work in advance (please, this is so not sarah's-life-at-heschel-part-II) but sadly there are no more minutes in my netflix watch instantly so I guess I won't be watching 30 rock.

in which case...what to do? read? I mean I guess I have eat pray love that I could crack open or I could read mill (because oddly enough I enjoy his stuff) and...oh shit. I thought we only had to read chapters 3 & 4. apparently it's 3, 4 & 5. fuck my life.