karma's a bitch.

I guess I never got romantically attached enough to anyone (since freshman year) to get played. I always kind of did the playing myself, actually; broke some stereotypes, got into some trouble, fought the double standard a little. I dated someone because I knew he wouldn't hurt me and wouldn't ever get mad enough at me to end things if I fucked up (which I did). now I'm on the receiving and it sucks. so, okay. let's think. critical questions: why did I play others, why did I not listen to everyone when they told me I was being played, why didn't I play back, what is different now, does it matter because I'm not being played anymore, how do I trust again, why do I still believe in someone after they've hurt me, what does that say about me, what does that say about them?

we all play other people for pretty much the same reasons. choose from: we're all lonely, we're all insecure, we're all horny, we're all tired, we're all looking for someone to make us feel better about ourselves, we all want to feel good, we all want to prove to ourselves that we can get people, we're all competitive -- all of these are pretty selfish, huh. I guess that leads me to the next thing, which is something I've been saying for a while (and I've gotten much better at) which is that we are unhappy alone & with ourselves. that is something that I'm pretty sure everyone needs to work on or needs to grow up and learn how to do. and pronto. you're not going to be happy with someone else unless you're happy with yourself. I realized this a little while ago and it's been kind of a key part of my development this year. so step 1 is just being happy with yourself and by yourself -- tweak the parts of you that you don't like, accept yourself for who you are (keep in mind this is coming from the girl who accepted that she has little sympathy, empathy or patience so if I can do it so can anyone), and be happy with that person. otherwise you're not going to be happy with another person. they aren't going to magically make you love yourself if you don't love yourself already. and if they do, then you're going to be devastated when you aren't with that person anymore and you'll be back at square 1. so stand on your own fucking 2 feet and you'll be happier and much better off.

I guess that's why I stopped playing people. as strong and empowered as I felt not caring, I was still reliant on someone else to make me feel good about myself, as subconscious as it was, as much as I denied it. well, I wanted to actually be empowered and strong; I didn't want to be emotionally reliant on anyone else anymore. I wanted to be happy by myself.

I should have seen that I was being played, I really should have. everyone told me, I just decided to trust someone else instead; that person turned out to be the one who was one-upping me & fucking me over, playing me hard. so now, why do I still believe him? I mean, I shouldn't. I very clearly should not. he lied, he played me, he pretended to be innocent, and this went on for a fucking long ass time. did I choose to be naive? no, I just really was naive which is so uncharacteristic of me and I don't know why I opted to be naive this time. I mean it all worked out for the best, but did it really? next time will I trust less? do I look weak in forgiving and forgetting and moving on and believing? does this count as a mistake that I should learn from? hindsight may be 20/20 but foresight is still a bitch.

the only thing I can really learn from this is to be more perceptive, to pick up on signs, to not be a bitch, to not play others, to not hurt people anymore the same way I was just hurt. no one should have to suffer for my own insecurities and problems. and honestly I'm done playing people -- it isn't fun, it fucked my reputation, it made me a person that I don't want to be. so I will trust this time, I will accept the naivete that plagued me as a good thing (everything happens for a reason, right?) and something that was supposed to happen in the bigger plan. and now me being hurt was also for a reason. aside from being happier and more comfortable with myself now than I ever have been, I have learned my lesson: whatever goes around comes around, right? but it's just not worth it to make what comes around go around too.

the hypocrisy of college notifications.

currently 3.5 for 4.
got accepted to barnard today (+1) and wait listed at wesleyan (+.5). the upsetting thing is that regardless of how happy I am (thrilled, actually, because my interview at barnard was horrendous and I thought I was going to just get flat out rejected from wesleyan), I'm so confused and lost in this crazy process. granted, I'm still waiting to hear back from 3 more schools (only 2 of which I would remotely consider attending) but even if I get accepted to those 3 schools I would still have no clue where I want to go.

and everyone wants to be accepted everywhere they apply -- that's living the dream, right? I mean I think that if you get accepted everywhere you're:
A. incredibly diverse (racially, in terms of background, etc.), or;
B. didn't apply to hard enough reaches (which can be a good or a bad thing, depending on what you want in a school), or;
C. applied and got accepted early decision. in which case you rock.
but the fact remains that the more schools you get accepted to, the more decisions you have to make. naturally there are some schools I can rule right off my list (actually, just 1) but when you're like me and promise yourself that you will only apply to schools you're really in love with, getting accepted to many schools is a pain in the ass. it's currently march 26th and I have a little bit more than a month to decide where I will spend the next 4, incredibly influential and life-changing, years of my life.

I'm trying really, super hard NOT to sound like I'm whining right now. I hate those people who get what they want and whine about it, but this is a big decision. I'm terrible at making little decisions, so big decisions are that much worse. a lot of riding on this decision (another reason why I just wanted to get in early to columbia. too bad that didn't happen, haha.) and I don't want to have to transfer colleges. I understand it wouldn't be the end of the world, but it would also be a pain in the ass for a few reasons.
#1. losing the friends I would have made and starting anew.
#2. applying while you're doing a thousand and a half things in college already.
#3. losing credits and graduating late.
(there must be more.)

anyway, I have no idea what to do. I don't have a first choice school, I don't have a last choice school. I like the social life of one school, the size of another, the teacher accessibility of another, the people of another, the reputation of another, the community of another, the price of another and so much more. there are endless reasons to chose and reject schools and it's a give and choose. but, only applying to schools that I loved and/or could see myself at only makes my decision that much harder. but what can you do? I'm certainly happier to have the options available to me than not have them at all and that is truly indicative of the hypocrisy and difficulty of the college process.

so (not) talented

I was going to write about the existential dilemma I had today (as put so kindly by dov nelkin) and my "freedom" dilemma (as put so kindly by irwin kula) where I knew I was supposed to be stressed for my math final (in 8.5 hours) but in actuality I didn't really care and I wasn't stressed at all. actually, I'm still not. I only studied because I did it with friends (jenna & talia). but that's so unlike me, I usually get very nervous and anxious for math finals just because I'm not particularly good at math. so, I was free to think that I wasn't stressed, but I was enslaved by my practical, normal self, who told me that I needed to be stressed because, after all, it is a final. and then it became existential when dov asked me who I was that I was thinking differently than normal -- who is this new sarah? anyway, that was about the extent of my existential, freedom-questioning dilemma because I realized my non-talent.

I can lick my weenis. that's right. I am so not-talented, it's highly impressive.

back to the important, interesting part of the blog post, I realized that I was incredibly peevish today because I don't feel that I'm in control of my life right now. I feel very, very disorganized and that is very much unlike myself. I'm usually organized and make lists and charts and schedules (I'm a big fan of lists) but I feel right now that my organizational skills are lacking. I don't know if this is a permanent change (I really hope not) or if it's just one of those things that happens every once in a while when I get really super burnt out.

so decide for yourself -- who am I and why am I changing my deeply embedded ways?

ps. shoutout to big red for making it to the sweet 16, sorry we lost you guys.
pps. WATCH THE LINK. you'll be impressed by my non-talent.

falling asleep on my face.

I was up until 4am last night. I had a good blogthought, but I forgot it. I knew I should have written it down. damn.

last 2 days of classes. you know how things are commonly referred to as "the home stretch?" well this is actually the home stretch.

two down, one to go!

so the play is ALMOST done -- one night left! very exciting, very exciting. a short tale that anyone knowing the characters involved will appreciate.

background information: ari is always on his computer. no, really. the child lives on his computer. one day he walked into rehearsal (which was in midtown, manhattan) holding his computer in one hand -- OPEN -- with headphones in. translation: he was walking down the street, in midtown manhattan, during rush hour, holding open a macbook so he could listen to music and/or play games. he also brings his computer with him to the bathroom. separated at birth from ari? his macbook. ned has also been telling ari for the past 8 rehearsals that he needs to stop using his computer during rehearsal & run-throughs.

[in the middle of the play, act II. backstage, in the boys' dressing room. ari is sitting on his computer in full wizard garb. enter ned, furious.]
NED. ari. where were you just now? you missed your cue and did not end up on stage, ari.
ARI. oh my gosh, you're right ned. oh my gosh I missed my scene. I missed my scene!
NED. I hope this was NOT a laptop-related incident! [exit ned.]
ARI. [to anyone who will listen] I MISSED MY SCENE. I MISSED MY SCENE. I MISSED MY SCENE.
[close curtain.]

welcome to my high school play, everyone. yes. this happened tonight. no, the audience did not know. oh ari, get it together. we love you, but please.

stay tuned for more humor (and sorrow, last high school play ever) from tomorrow night. and if you're reading this and you are not planning to see once upon a mattress tomorrow, GET IT TOGETHER. show's at 7:30 -- see you there!

a short post

a short blog post for tonight. fantastic, well spent weekend. nice weather (translates to nice runs), got lots of work done (considerably less stressed), slept at dans, opened once upon a mattress tonight.

super exhausted and sore -- relatively long runs 2 days in a row are not ideal for when you are just getting over being sick.

will blog more this week (hopefully) with more shoutouts (yes, yes to those of you who I promised).

going back to work next weekend. never taking a break. damn.

the age of unseen witticisms? (or am I just getting old fashioned really quickly...)

so I was sitting at rehearsal today and my director, ned, brought his son, alex, to rehearsal. now friends, this child is really the most hyper, add, annoying, lovable (excuse that contradiction) character that I know. seriously. I want to smack him as I give him endless hugs and cheek-pinches. I'm not a child abuser, really I'm not, I just have little patience for people (children included).

anyway, alex -- who is maybe 11 -- was wearing a yellow shirt. on it there was a stick figure saying, "you on facebook?"

now. maybe it is just me, but I was freaked out by that damn shirt. this boy is 11. he has very, very clearly NOT hit puberty yet. why on earth is he wearing a shirt that:
A. says "you on facebook?" not "are you on facebook?" as would be grammatically correct, and;
B. is wearing a shirt that talks about the need to be on facebook?!(?!?!)

Here's the thing: I can forgive subpoint A. from time to time I too engage in colloquial dialect and leave out the proper question word (primarily when I'm feeling particularly silly and want to talk ghetto. this seems to be a recent trend.), but it's really subpoint B. that bothers me. I just don't think I'm ready to see kids like alex on facebook. are they on facebook? was that supposed to just be a witty shirt (that is something that, sad as it may be, I may have said -- give or take a "yo" or two)? is it sad that I would actually say it? is alex's shirt a comment on my generation -- my facebook-obsessed generation and the generation below me? am I getting old?

facebook was started for COLLEGE students. so, as facebook spreads and I grow up, by the time I'm a senior in college facebook will be available for kindergartners? pre-schoolers looking for playdates? (will that become a fan page or a group?) and why is this clothing being made for 11-year olds?! I really cannot stress how young this kid is -- why is he wearing a shirt that has anything to do with facebook?!

obviously I don't have answers to any of these questions. I can only make two promises to you (all), that:
#1. facebook has seriously begun to freak me out, and;
#2. I will never buy my future son or daughter any article of clothing that has to do with facebook. not like it will still be around, but it's definitely worth a try.

on a lighter note and diverting focus from the promises I seem to constantly be making, tonight I went to a great memorial show (for a friend, josh, who passed away last year by a very sudden and unforeseen condition) by a (very) local band, sunnyside up. I'm far from engaging in mushy-gushy things, but the concert was really touching and meaningful and really just good emotionally for people. hung out with dan post-show. all is well in the world. except for those of you who wear shirts that have to do with facebook and other witticisms you may not understand the weight of. shame on you!

the diagnosis you've all been waiting for.

I don't have mono -- life rocks!

back to school today for ultimate rehearsals (la catrina & once upon a mattress), definitely not taking my math test (for which I have been there for, not kidding you, maybe 4 classes just between illness and other things. what? it's not like I cut class. I swear I don't.).

in following my feminist pursuits...check out the women in the world series. I'm about to.

still can't go running, technically I shouldn't even be going back to school today (but I'm such a badass like whatevah -- kidding) but I just have a lot to do for these plays that if I don't go in today then I won't be able to be in them and that would just be a pain in the ass.

shoutout to blog reader ariel k., superwoman of the world. she fights crime with her bare (bare meaning soft, always perfectly manicured) hands, flies (with her gel-infused curls blowing in the wind, but not really blowing -- sometimes her arch nemeses get their hands stuck), kills people with the kiss of death (just kitting ariel) and wears opaque pants (sometimes). what a rockstar.

and now, to finish my term paper on "how revolutionary fashions suppress femininity" (I'm a nerd I really like this stuff) and go out for pancakes with momma. dan comes home tonight and I see him tomorrow, school shall be attended, tests will be taken, shows will go on.
all is right in the world. finally.

to think, to need.

I think I need to be drained a little more of creative energy to have a creativity orgasm. shoutout to jillian who definitely hit me up with that inspiration, so true.

just realized that when I feel silly (which is frequently), I express myself through ghetto mannerisms. or try to, at least.

also, why is kissing so intimate and appealing? why don't we just do eskimo kisses? why do eskimos have different kisses than we do? this concept is going to HAVE to be explored. I'm way curious. this blog may as well be called "the curious case of the curious george among us" -- HA I AM SO FUNNY (not!)

sad realization? I think if I died from being ill -- like if my throat closed up suddenly or something -- I think the saddest people at my funeral aside from my immediate family would be my teachers. and lili. and lexi. I guess that's a little weird, no? maybe I'm wrong? I hope I'm wrong? not really because I feel like half my teachers ARE my friends?

anyway it's getting late (not really, I'm just sick) and my tummy is stuffed with samoa cookies (so good, why am I such a fatass?) so now it's time for bed.

OH. check out some good music love from npr and urban outfitters (who would have thought?), two sources that are covering/covered sxsw, this pretty word music festival in austin, tx. reassuring my faith that you can pretty much find legit music anywhere. I'm digging freelance whales & dum dum girls (from both sources, respectively). checkitcheckit out.

good updates, no?

smorgasboard.

#1. I don't think I remember how to work anymore. I'm trying to write a term paper on how revolution suppresses femininity through fashion (really just the best topic EVER) and I cannot do it. I feel lame.

#2. got accepted into the honors program at hunter today -- suck it guidance counselor who laughed in my face when I told her I was going to apply there!

#3. I look emaciated because this illness makes me not hungry and when I am hungry I can only eat a few bites before feeling full. I never thought I would complain about looking thin, but I look sickly. seriously. it's gross.

will update later. obviously I'm procrastinating (see item #1). I also feel drained of creativity and introspection right now, so maybe something will happen that will make me feel less voided.

in the meantime, do what I'm doing and watch how to make it in america (and check out the mixtape soundtrack too, pretty word).

it just might be...

I might have mono. bloodwork comes back tomorrow.
let's all say a prayer for me tonight. I really don't freaking want mono.
I'm on the strongest antibiotics ever so hopefully they'll fix me soon. this week is just really freaking busy and I don't want to miss it.
so, lots of bed rest, gargling with salt water and mouthwash, taking motrin/tylenol & antibiotics every few hours. let's hope it does the trick.

dan asked for a shoutout on the blog. don't know how that one would work. hm.
let's try this:
you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are gray
you'll never know dear
how much I love you
please don't take my sunshine away.

maybe?

sickling II

sick again.

check out the video that I'm in with julian casablancas.
yep, hey snl.

big debate tomorrow that I probably won't be able to go to because I'm ill again. I think I have lyme disease. gotta go to the doctor.

at least if I'm sick I'll be able to stay home and do work because I just have too much to do and not enough time in which to do it.

hung out with raymond yesterday night. it was good to catch up. I missed him.

(ps apparently the number of blog followers is growing. yippee!)

oh, you.

I just reread your blog from 2 summers ago.
we were some kind of crazy, head over heels in love that summer, weren't we.
scary how strong I felt and how much I pushed you away because of practicality and necessity.
scary that I started seeing someone else just to get over you.
hm.

weather is shitty today. it makes me want to drink coffee and sit in bed. I tried going to the library to pick up a book today. that book happened to be Hooray for Diffendoofer Day. quite possibly the most under-appreciated dr. seuss book ever. it's all about the importance of learning how to think as opposed to learning cold facts. I guess it's cool that pretty much the basis for my high school experience is from a dr. seuss book (whether or not the administration or abraham joshua heschel knew it or not).

music to listen to? check out put it in a love song by alicia keys (ft. beyonce). there's a pretty rockin' beat at about 1:50 into the song. pretty perfect for really tight, controlled movement.

say farewell to the night, and say hello to artificial light.

I had a realization the other day that people are obsessed with the night. it's always, let's go out at night, I'll work during the day and hang out at night, etc., etc. our social lives practically revolve around things that we'll do that night. but, why? wouldn't it make sense that, especially in nice weather, we focus more on the day (yeah yeah, carpe diem that shit) than the night?

apparently not.

so, I asked myself why we find ourselves in our most comfortable state at night into ungodly hours of morning. what on earth is so appealing with the night?

I think part of it has to do with the darkness as a mask. it sounds cliche (very shakespearean, I know) but it has to partially be true. girls always say that their complexion looks best NOT in direct light, so they appear more attractive. that, in and of itself, is an empowering facet of night. more than just being shadowed, many times night makes you invisible. pretty helpful when you don't think you're looking your best. darkness enables you to take on an alter ego, someone who isn't yourself. since you don't need your face to emit emotions and betray you with your true identity, you can be whoever you want to be, fearlessly.

seems like reason enough for night to be so popular with adolescents and young adults who are, like myself, pretty much terrified to be themselves for who they are and constantly find character flaws. when you don't have to be yourself, you don't have to confront your real flaws, the internal ones. hiding behind the shadow of night is just a convenient escape from everyday fears and faults. pretty pathetic, but seems logical enough.

and so I hope the appeal of night has become illuminated for some of you. I kind of don't want to hide behind night anymore. yeah, sure it's fun sometimes, but going to sleep at an early hour definitely has its merits. I promise you that. so, carpe diem, not carpe noche (or whatever night would be in latin).

current events.

I have been told that I am not aware of politics or current events and that is a character flaw. I do suppose this is true, because it makes me seem rather ignorant, I just don't have time anymore to read the new york times. well, now I will make time because being ignorant does not merit excuses.

this week in the week in review (my favorite part of the new york times) in order of "current events-iness":

1. democrats need a rally monkey -- pretty much saying that the democrats have lost steam and are "snakebit" (think venom.). how can democrats suck the venom out? A. show that they can govern successfully (i.e. pass a health care reform bill), and; B. frame the election from a stand-behind-your-party-so-we-don't-fall-back-into-the-dark-ages-of-republican-and-sarah-palin-domination kind of approach. pretty much, the democratic party needs some oomph before they can spring back, so there needs to be something done. this is also caused by a lack of clear party message (which the republican party has).

2. iran's ace (or deuce): its oil reserves -- for those of you who didn't know (don't be embarrassed, I'm raising my hand too), american officials want to put new international sanctions on iran this week. (huh. guess I missed that one.) iran and china (and lots of asia, actually) are buddy-buddy because of the nuclear programs they've both been running. anyway, this article goes on to say that iran only thinks it has so much power because of their oil & ties with a global superpower. china has yet to openly oppose and challenge american action (especially in the persian gulf) so that leverage is (like the democratic party, see #1) losing steam. also, iran itself needs to keep oil barrels at a certain price to offset their own deficit and lots of other countries (i.e. saudi arabia) are getting stacked with oil so iran no longer has their trump card. so, other countries (saudi arabia) can develop relations with major asian countries (china) so that the sanctions that america wants to impose can really work. right now no connection with china is a trump card, but china itself and the role and mood it decides to play is the trump card.

3. between germany and greece, a chorus of sturm, drang and pathos -- apparently greece has a really big deficit too these days (I want to say I didn't know this because, well, I didn't, but it's not surprising because at this point pretty much the entire world has a deficit, right?). anyway, greece is trying to solve its deficit and finding solutions has been an issue. this article focuses on the idea that greece ask for reparations from germany from wwii.

I can't read any more current events. I'm going to vomit up the nytimes week in review in t-minus 10 seconds....

had some interesting thoughts that I'll probably be writing about over the next few days. hope you're all caught up on the world (well, as much as I am anyway). for what it's worth, someone called me on not being updated...bet they won't call you...

blah.

I officially hate arguing about Roe v. Wade.

yes, I want the right to choose. the end.

more college notifications!

woohoo, more mcgill notifications. apparently I applied into a specialized program and got in, so now I got into their normal arts & sciences programs -- I don't know if that counts as another acceptance?

whatever. hearing back from more places soon. things have gotten busy really quickly.
1. musical in 2 weeks.
2. big debate in a week.
3. spanish play in a week.
4. yearbook due in 3 weeks.
5. final projects/tests/papers/presentations.

lots to do, not much time in which to do it. ultimate growl. well, take a deep breath and hold it in.

check out Jukebox, pretty groovy tunes. definitely feeling it.

too much.

so much to do. not enough time.

nothing big or exciting.

that's pretty much what my life has amounted to.
nothing big or exciting is going on right now and, quite honestly, that's totally alright by me. I've had enough drama for the week. I just feel like I haven't been to school in ages (because I haven't, ha) and there's nothing really dramatic to report. I have not had any epiphanies other than the fact that I HAVE emotions...I just don't have sympathy or empathy (because I have most likely experienced what someone else is going through and haven't asked for sympathy or haven't experienced it in which case I just cannot, by definition, empathize).

anyway, that's all for now. I'm really feeling some old Youth Group music right now (see "start today tomorrow" & "daisychains"). old school stuff, still way legit.

(I love this.)

65.
"I want you to like this, I swear I do, and I want you to peel back the layers of time and show me the past and smack me around but in a playful way like lovers and hit me again, punch, reach out and claw, stick your fingers in my mouth, peel back the layers of my face to the person I am or whoever I want to be and punch me, baby, with hands like pale birds diving away from earthworm scars and your eyes, holy shit your eyes lit up like groovy blue storms, everything electric, your heart beating into your tongue and your tongue inside my mouth and speak to me please using only your tongue, write the words in my mouth with it, I want you I swear to peel back the sky and show me all that's come before us and who we will be and all we will inevitably eventually lose."
(Grab on to Me Tightly As If I Knew the Way, Bryan Charles)

any way you put it, I guess we're all pretty similar

someone asked me today "what do you think of yourself" and I had the natural inclination to respond, "well, I don't know. I don't think about my opinions of myself very often" but then I realized that, given this blog, I do think about myself pretty often.

I guess that's a good thing. I'm pretty clear about my identity these days and I kind of just have to accept it for now, right?

so maybe I don't have emotions or I'm a realistic optimist. that's fine. I guess that makes me...unique.

being sick sucks.

thank you for forgiving me. I don't know if I can forgive you though.