anyone who needs to be chased isn't worth chasing.

I'm trying my best not to be sad; to be focused on other things, people, events more worthy and deserving of my attention. I'm really trying to forget about him, about them, to put it all in the past and forget about everything. and then I remember that it has only been 24 hours. that's all. it just seems like a really long time when all I want is a "hi" or any other slight remembrance that I exist, that I care, that I matter. naturally he'll say, "you're not chasing me" when (obviously) I am. and as I think about it, I don't ever, ever chase anyone. I just don't. it's not who I am.

and I'm trying to be strong and forget about him. really, really, I'm trying. it's just super hard. but, I know I can do it; I know I have willpower and strength. all I need to do is compete with him. who can go longer without saying hi?

but as soon as I start that, I know I'll lose. I know I'll cave and I'll say hi and ask how his day went because she's in the picture now (or in a few days, who really knows or gives two shits). I don't want to lose to her. I can't lose to her.

it's all a mess. this whole situation is a mess. and there's just no easy answer. until I figure it out...and shed some tears doing so.

an empty core?

I've always been competitive. not in the sports-y way (let's face it, my sports skills are zero) but in pretty much every other facet of my existence I have been a competitor. always fighting for the boy, the #1 spot on line, the A-range grade, the "name position" on any club; I have always been fighting for recognition, for perfection. I've hit failure before (yep, wrote my college essay about it) and I like to think that I'm stronger now, that my failure built character, but somehow it doesn't all click.

I'm still disappointed in myself a lot. example: when I text someone I promise myself I wouldn't, it becomes "really? you did that?" I try to laugh it off, shrug it off, not get worked up over it because it's not really that important, but to be totally honest, my lack of willpower and control hurts. why can't I be in total control? and here stands the constant internal competition I am in with myself: willpower vs. freedom.

I want to be a free spirit; I want to laugh and be carefree and silly, to go with the flow, to have faith that everything will work out. and then that whole attitude is overshot by the constant worry I have in my gut that something will go wrong and my innate ability to foretell a myriad of dismal outcomes kicks in. I'm envious (something I loathe being) of my best friend sometimes; she just laughs at whatever comes her way, doesn't stress out too much, cracks jokes like it's her job, and makes people laugh. that's how people know her: the funny one. I'm the reliable one. hm, go figure.

so why do I, and so many other people for that matter, have such a problem letting go? as I said, I've faced failure before, so what would another failure be? after all is said and done, I don't want to have an empty core. if I let my guard down and let go, what about if there really is nothing there? what can I turn to when my perfectionist, competitive nature fails me and I, inevitably, lose? without a core, I would need to reinvent myself.

I'm deciding to turn inward. maybe I'll be happy being with other people (or one other person to be specific) and I'll be less bored when I'm happy with myself. is this possible -- self peace? I wrote about it as a new years resolution a post or two ago and now I revisit the issue. I want to find self peace, to accept myself, to find my core. next time I hit supreme failure, I don't want to have to reinvent myself. I want to be there, for the failed facade to find, to turn to for strength.

so who am I? what core do I have? what indispensable values, traits, characteristics and ethics do I have? what would I never, ever give up in a million years. to counter, what can I take off my load? who do I not want to be? what traits would I relinquish in a heartbeat?

self-exploration. alone. I don't want a boy or a girl to help me find myself. I want to find myself. I don't need others to accept me, I simply want to accept myself. so, new years challenge (and a good one to have for the second half of senior year, going into college): who am I? what is at my core? my perfect girl-starving daughter dichotomy has to cover something. so now, what's underneath the trapdoor?

the perfect girl, the starving daughter.

it's funny to think that in 2 days I'll be done with first semester (which was not as absurdly difficult as people make it out to be AND I was taking 8 classes this semester). funny, I think I've done high school backwards. when everyone was saying to "enjoy sophmore year because it's the best -- the classes are easy & it's not as awkward as freshman year" I was working my ass off in school and the friend scene was terrible because of the boyfriend breakup. when people said, "junior year is the hardest because you have finals AND SATs at the same time" I was coasting by february. when people say "oh god, first semester senior year is the WORST" I find myself having no work and nothing to do half the time...and I have a job that consumes at least 16 hours of my weekend. in fact, I'm pretty sure that first semester has been the best yet.

I'm doing well in school. I have awesome friends (and more now than ever). I have a great job (that pays well, too). college apps are ALMOST done. honestly, I couldn't be happier.

and then there's that void. that empty core that Courtney Martin (author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters and my new all-time favorite person ever and female crush) says that all "perfect girls" have. yes, it's the starving daughter in me. and she hits the nail on the head. some girls take that core and act out through food, some with boys, some don't realize it's there until they hit a wall and realize they can't be all things to all people, and those who do know it's there don't know what to do with it.

seriously, it's like reading a book written explicitly for me. this "perfect girl, starving daughter" archetype that she creates is me. battled eating disorders? check. acted out with boys to try and fill the void? check. always pushing herself to be busy? check. trying to convince everyone else she's happy always being busy? check. still struggling to be proud of herself for all her accomplishments because she focuses on the little failures and setbacks? check. yep. that's me. it's a book about my life. non-fiction has become a nameless biography, a nameless memoir.

and where to go from there? clearly there is something wrong if I'm identifying myself with that stereotype. but what to do? how can I begin to fill that void that is so clearly inside of me? self peace. probably the hardest thing for me to do. a good, noteworthy project to tackle for second semester.

and so I resolve such: I will make peace with myself.
for who I am, for all my setbacks, for all my successes. for all the people who love me, for all the people who hate me, for all the people who love to hate me, for all the people who hate to love me. I will make peace with myself to take on all of them. to gain an extra ounce of self-respect for myself, even if I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it. to tell myself that the boy(s) who doesn't want to be with me seriously is missing out, and is not worth my time. to work a little harder, to stress a little less. to give myself a break when I need one, to push myself that extra mile when I need it. to give myself the ability to harness and channel my inner strength and optimism when it seems like everything is falling apart. to accept who I am and who I have become, to change the parts of me I hate, to keep the parts of me that I love. to treat myself like I want others to treat me.

it's going to be hard. then again, I have a whole year to do it. it's about time I make peace with myself. it's the start of a new decade. it's a new beginning for everyone and everything -- including me.

...and a merry happy to you too!

so I told a friend of mine that I hate NYC in winter. well, I lied. it's amazing! the city really goes to lengths to put up beautiful ornaments, trees, and other festive "gear." they dress the city streets like a proper child in holiday garb, white and sparkling.

naturally, on my hanukkah list:
1. gray matte leather riding boots. flat. not too tall. (if these wonderful paige tall riding boots by frye don't work out I will cry)
2. moccasins. to wear with ski socks.
3. more Anna Sui tights!
4. a new boy for a new year?

it's clear. 2009 hasn't really been my prime. 2010. a new year, the first decade in a new millennium. a good, good sign.

and a new semester. god I can't wait for first semester to be over. 3 college supplements and 1.5 final projects left until the new year. and let's face it: 2010 comes with the perks of college, second semester senior year, prom, less drama? I cannot wait.

more to come about the city's winter-ness. I'm not done loving it yet.

much love.

we're helpless & out of control

isn't it funny how the mind works? things register, we move on, and then we come back to them -- and replay the scene over and over and over again in our heads. well, why? why do we so often replay traumatic events? you would think that we would never, ever want to relive those moments, but we do.

so now I step back and reflect. is it worth it to replay my rejection from Columbia? no. it's a waste of my time. there isn't one thing I could have done differently on my application or in my life. I tried my best, and if my best wasn't good enough? well then a big ol' fuck you to columbia u. (in the kindest way possible.)

much love.

everything works out for a reason...hopefully.

rejection sucks. let's face it. we all know it, we've all experienced it. if you haven't, then it means you haven't been taking enough risks in your life (in which case I would say to get out there in the real world because one day soon enough you're going to realize that not everything goes fine and dandy and some things are just totally out of your control). after experiencing failure (or reality, whichever you prefer), writing a college essay about failure, and experiencing more failure, I, yet again, have another failure to add to the list: rejection from college. I am currently 0 and 1.

now in my essay I wrote about accepting the reality of things and finding the good in the heap of rubble that is the bad. now, of course, that good feels like finding a needle in a haystack. or a piece of gold in a pot of coal. but, I have to be true to myself. I am an optimist. I like to be optimistic. and I've always been a firm believer that everything works out for the best. so now, I have another challenge.

among the final projects, 16-hour work weekends and daily drama, I can add "college applications" to my to-do list. this seems only like the end of the world. I want to be totally done by december 28th. how will I do this? by doing what I have done best for all of high school: working my ass off (hopefully I'll still be able to still maintain my real ass in size 2 jeans).

I promised myself in april that I would only apply to colleges and universities that I loved. I am sticking to this. therefore, I challenge myself to find the good in all the other schools and tell myself (repeatedly, if necessary) that a school that doesn't want me is not the place where I belong.

once again, I have to reevaluate and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I prayed to god everyday to give me the strength to deal with this setback and now I will have to find the strength in myself to do so. I am given challenges to overcome because they improve my character; they make me stronger. that is the purpose of challenges, that is why life is hard sometimes. and challenges make the victories taste even sweeter. everything happens for a reason. really, it does. I swear it.

the cleverness in being clever

naturally, something went wrong. I had my mind set on December 15, 2009 to find out from Columbia. my mind was set. s-e-t. so, of course, when I get an e-mail from the admissions office on monday, all I could do was curl into a ball...and hyperventilate. it's not that I expect anything different than what I expected before (which was nothing, I'm set on the fact that I'm going to be rejected), I just now have to deal with the fact that I'm not mentally prepared

which makes me wonder: why is that I, a person who tries to take life with an optimistic, silly outlook and attitude, feel this way? why did I freak out at a friend last night (granted, he's at Cornell already) who told me that I was bugging out and needed to stop freaking out? I've found that being silly is helpful in almost every way possible; I no longer stress out and get huge knots in my back, study until the middle of the night for a test, get frustrated with one bad grade, or cry when I get into arguments with teachers. high school has ultimately taught me that laughing is the most important way to deal with almost any situation.

I came into high school a little pipsqueak who took myself and all of my studies very, very seriously. I had absolute morals and a very pointed outlook on life. while most people grow up in high school, I grew down. I reconsidered myself, my morals, my outlook and came to the realization that, in the end, all that matters is that you end up laughing. granted, I've grown to be a little cynical and surely I'm unromantic, but I've cultivated an identity and an attitude.

I always knew I was an optimist, I just used to feign optimism to appear happy. nowadays, there's no pretend; I really am an optimist. everything really does happen for a reason. I just have to tell myself the same thing that I've told myself time and time again over the course of the past 3 1/2 years: in the end, all that really matters is that I end the day laughing. so, when 5 o'clock rolls around tomorrow, I cannot be afraid of acceptance or rejection. once again, I need to have a little faith, accept the reality of the situation, find the good, and keep smiling and laughing.

much love.