an empty core?

I've always been competitive. not in the sports-y way (let's face it, my sports skills are zero) but in pretty much every other facet of my existence I have been a competitor. always fighting for the boy, the #1 spot on line, the A-range grade, the "name position" on any club; I have always been fighting for recognition, for perfection. I've hit failure before (yep, wrote my college essay about it) and I like to think that I'm stronger now, that my failure built character, but somehow it doesn't all click.

I'm still disappointed in myself a lot. example: when I text someone I promise myself I wouldn't, it becomes "really? you did that?" I try to laugh it off, shrug it off, not get worked up over it because it's not really that important, but to be totally honest, my lack of willpower and control hurts. why can't I be in total control? and here stands the constant internal competition I am in with myself: willpower vs. freedom.

I want to be a free spirit; I want to laugh and be carefree and silly, to go with the flow, to have faith that everything will work out. and then that whole attitude is overshot by the constant worry I have in my gut that something will go wrong and my innate ability to foretell a myriad of dismal outcomes kicks in. I'm envious (something I loathe being) of my best friend sometimes; she just laughs at whatever comes her way, doesn't stress out too much, cracks jokes like it's her job, and makes people laugh. that's how people know her: the funny one. I'm the reliable one. hm, go figure.

so why do I, and so many other people for that matter, have such a problem letting go? as I said, I've faced failure before, so what would another failure be? after all is said and done, I don't want to have an empty core. if I let my guard down and let go, what about if there really is nothing there? what can I turn to when my perfectionist, competitive nature fails me and I, inevitably, lose? without a core, I would need to reinvent myself.

I'm deciding to turn inward. maybe I'll be happy being with other people (or one other person to be specific) and I'll be less bored when I'm happy with myself. is this possible -- self peace? I wrote about it as a new years resolution a post or two ago and now I revisit the issue. I want to find self peace, to accept myself, to find my core. next time I hit supreme failure, I don't want to have to reinvent myself. I want to be there, for the failed facade to find, to turn to for strength.

so who am I? what core do I have? what indispensable values, traits, characteristics and ethics do I have? what would I never, ever give up in a million years. to counter, what can I take off my load? who do I not want to be? what traits would I relinquish in a heartbeat?

self-exploration. alone. I don't want a boy or a girl to help me find myself. I want to find myself. I don't need others to accept me, I simply want to accept myself. so, new years challenge (and a good one to have for the second half of senior year, going into college): who am I? what is at my core? my perfect girl-starving daughter dichotomy has to cover something. so now, what's underneath the trapdoor?