anyone who needs to be chased isn't worth chasing.

I'm trying my best not to be sad; to be focused on other things, people, events more worthy and deserving of my attention. I'm really trying to forget about him, about them, to put it all in the past and forget about everything. and then I remember that it has only been 24 hours. that's all. it just seems like a really long time when all I want is a "hi" or any other slight remembrance that I exist, that I care, that I matter. naturally he'll say, "you're not chasing me" when (obviously) I am. and as I think about it, I don't ever, ever chase anyone. I just don't. it's not who I am.

and I'm trying to be strong and forget about him. really, really, I'm trying. it's just super hard. but, I know I can do it; I know I have willpower and strength. all I need to do is compete with him. who can go longer without saying hi?

but as soon as I start that, I know I'll lose. I know I'll cave and I'll say hi and ask how his day went because she's in the picture now (or in a few days, who really knows or gives two shits). I don't want to lose to her. I can't lose to her.

it's all a mess. this whole situation is a mess. and there's just no easy answer. until I figure it out...and shed some tears doing so.