the cleverness in being clever

naturally, something went wrong. I had my mind set on December 15, 2009 to find out from Columbia. my mind was set. s-e-t. so, of course, when I get an e-mail from the admissions office on monday, all I could do was curl into a ball...and hyperventilate. it's not that I expect anything different than what I expected before (which was nothing, I'm set on the fact that I'm going to be rejected), I just now have to deal with the fact that I'm not mentally prepared

which makes me wonder: why is that I, a person who tries to take life with an optimistic, silly outlook and attitude, feel this way? why did I freak out at a friend last night (granted, he's at Cornell already) who told me that I was bugging out and needed to stop freaking out? I've found that being silly is helpful in almost every way possible; I no longer stress out and get huge knots in my back, study until the middle of the night for a test, get frustrated with one bad grade, or cry when I get into arguments with teachers. high school has ultimately taught me that laughing is the most important way to deal with almost any situation.

I came into high school a little pipsqueak who took myself and all of my studies very, very seriously. I had absolute morals and a very pointed outlook on life. while most people grow up in high school, I grew down. I reconsidered myself, my morals, my outlook and came to the realization that, in the end, all that matters is that you end up laughing. granted, I've grown to be a little cynical and surely I'm unromantic, but I've cultivated an identity and an attitude.

I always knew I was an optimist, I just used to feign optimism to appear happy. nowadays, there's no pretend; I really am an optimist. everything really does happen for a reason. I just have to tell myself the same thing that I've told myself time and time again over the course of the past 3 1/2 years: in the end, all that really matters is that I end the day laughing. so, when 5 o'clock rolls around tomorrow, I cannot be afraid of acceptance or rejection. once again, I need to have a little faith, accept the reality of the situation, find the good, and keep smiling and laughing.

much love.