the perfect girl, the starving daughter.

it's funny to think that in 2 days I'll be done with first semester (which was not as absurdly difficult as people make it out to be AND I was taking 8 classes this semester). funny, I think I've done high school backwards. when everyone was saying to "enjoy sophmore year because it's the best -- the classes are easy & it's not as awkward as freshman year" I was working my ass off in school and the friend scene was terrible because of the boyfriend breakup. when people said, "junior year is the hardest because you have finals AND SATs at the same time" I was coasting by february. when people say "oh god, first semester senior year is the WORST" I find myself having no work and nothing to do half the time...and I have a job that consumes at least 16 hours of my weekend. in fact, I'm pretty sure that first semester has been the best yet.

I'm doing well in school. I have awesome friends (and more now than ever). I have a great job (that pays well, too). college apps are ALMOST done. honestly, I couldn't be happier.

and then there's that void. that empty core that Courtney Martin (author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters and my new all-time favorite person ever and female crush) says that all "perfect girls" have. yes, it's the starving daughter in me. and she hits the nail on the head. some girls take that core and act out through food, some with boys, some don't realize it's there until they hit a wall and realize they can't be all things to all people, and those who do know it's there don't know what to do with it.

seriously, it's like reading a book written explicitly for me. this "perfect girl, starving daughter" archetype that she creates is me. battled eating disorders? check. acted out with boys to try and fill the void? check. always pushing herself to be busy? check. trying to convince everyone else she's happy always being busy? check. still struggling to be proud of herself for all her accomplishments because she focuses on the little failures and setbacks? check. yep. that's me. it's a book about my life. non-fiction has become a nameless biography, a nameless memoir.

and where to go from there? clearly there is something wrong if I'm identifying myself with that stereotype. but what to do? how can I begin to fill that void that is so clearly inside of me? self peace. probably the hardest thing for me to do. a good, noteworthy project to tackle for second semester.

and so I resolve such: I will make peace with myself.
for who I am, for all my setbacks, for all my successes. for all the people who love me, for all the people who hate me, for all the people who love to hate me, for all the people who hate to love me. I will make peace with myself to take on all of them. to gain an extra ounce of self-respect for myself, even if I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it. to tell myself that the boy(s) who doesn't want to be with me seriously is missing out, and is not worth my time. to work a little harder, to stress a little less. to give myself a break when I need one, to push myself that extra mile when I need it. to give myself the ability to harness and channel my inner strength and optimism when it seems like everything is falling apart. to accept who I am and who I have become, to change the parts of me I hate, to keep the parts of me that I love. to treat myself like I want others to treat me.

it's going to be hard. then again, I have a whole year to do it. it's about time I make peace with myself. it's the start of a new decade. it's a new beginning for everyone and everything -- including me.