karma's a bitch.

I guess I never got romantically attached enough to anyone (since freshman year) to get played. I always kind of did the playing myself, actually; broke some stereotypes, got into some trouble, fought the double standard a little. I dated someone because I knew he wouldn't hurt me and wouldn't ever get mad enough at me to end things if I fucked up (which I did). now I'm on the receiving and it sucks. so, okay. let's think. critical questions: why did I play others, why did I not listen to everyone when they told me I was being played, why didn't I play back, what is different now, does it matter because I'm not being played anymore, how do I trust again, why do I still believe in someone after they've hurt me, what does that say about me, what does that say about them?

we all play other people for pretty much the same reasons. choose from: we're all lonely, we're all insecure, we're all horny, we're all tired, we're all looking for someone to make us feel better about ourselves, we all want to feel good, we all want to prove to ourselves that we can get people, we're all competitive -- all of these are pretty selfish, huh. I guess that leads me to the next thing, which is something I've been saying for a while (and I've gotten much better at) which is that we are unhappy alone & with ourselves. that is something that I'm pretty sure everyone needs to work on or needs to grow up and learn how to do. and pronto. you're not going to be happy with someone else unless you're happy with yourself. I realized this a little while ago and it's been kind of a key part of my development this year. so step 1 is just being happy with yourself and by yourself -- tweak the parts of you that you don't like, accept yourself for who you are (keep in mind this is coming from the girl who accepted that she has little sympathy, empathy or patience so if I can do it so can anyone), and be happy with that person. otherwise you're not going to be happy with another person. they aren't going to magically make you love yourself if you don't love yourself already. and if they do, then you're going to be devastated when you aren't with that person anymore and you'll be back at square 1. so stand on your own fucking 2 feet and you'll be happier and much better off.

I guess that's why I stopped playing people. as strong and empowered as I felt not caring, I was still reliant on someone else to make me feel good about myself, as subconscious as it was, as much as I denied it. well, I wanted to actually be empowered and strong; I didn't want to be emotionally reliant on anyone else anymore. I wanted to be happy by myself.

I should have seen that I was being played, I really should have. everyone told me, I just decided to trust someone else instead; that person turned out to be the one who was one-upping me & fucking me over, playing me hard. so now, why do I still believe him? I mean, I shouldn't. I very clearly should not. he lied, he played me, he pretended to be innocent, and this went on for a fucking long ass time. did I choose to be naive? no, I just really was naive which is so uncharacteristic of me and I don't know why I opted to be naive this time. I mean it all worked out for the best, but did it really? next time will I trust less? do I look weak in forgiving and forgetting and moving on and believing? does this count as a mistake that I should learn from? hindsight may be 20/20 but foresight is still a bitch.

the only thing I can really learn from this is to be more perceptive, to pick up on signs, to not be a bitch, to not play others, to not hurt people anymore the same way I was just hurt. no one should have to suffer for my own insecurities and problems. and honestly I'm done playing people -- it isn't fun, it fucked my reputation, it made me a person that I don't want to be. so I will trust this time, I will accept the naivete that plagued me as a good thing (everything happens for a reason, right?) and something that was supposed to happen in the bigger plan. and now me being hurt was also for a reason. aside from being happier and more comfortable with myself now than I ever have been, I have learned my lesson: whatever goes around comes around, right? but it's just not worth it to make what comes around go around too.