asian pub, a wonderful place to be.

so last night was (again) a night of stupid things that cannot be recounted in public domain. to let you all get a feel for what happened I will give you insight through I conversation I just had with my best friend, lili.

me: it had nothing to do with him, it's just that shit hit the fan
lili: more like the sink broke off the wall but, whatever.

need I say more?

now I guess I'll cut the bullshit and write about what I wanted to write about, which is trust. I've actually never had the problem or found if hard to invest in someone and trust them, perhaps because I'm a very trusting individual and often look to kindness from strangers as innate goodness and trustworthiness. maybe that should be reevaluated, but I've never find it necessary, even though people say chivalry is dead. it ain't.

it just confuses me because I approach trust with a very interesting, different attitude. I cannot stay mad with people for a long time, even people who break my trust. usually this isn't the case. I don't know, something about grudges and revenge just doesn't appeal to me. I forgive and forget very easily (a trait that, I hope, people don't abuse). I don't take things personally most times and I often see no problem being un-mad at the offender later that day. I guess I understand that shit happens and being mad doesn't solve any problems; it just creates unnecessary drama. either you forgive and forget quickly or you decide that certain friendships aren't worth it. usually I pick the former because I hate losing friends and nothing really ever seems like such a big deal to me (sad that, as I'm writing this, I hear myself being a bad person with no values or sense of perspective on life. whatever, that's who I am. I just have to accept it I guess).

there is no proposal, there is no promise to myself. just, in all my searching I need to ask myself if this is the kind of person I want to be:
do I want to forgive and forget, and risk being walked all over (not that I think I am, at all. frankly I think people are too scared of me to try walking all over me)
or
do I want to establish a sense of values, a hierarchy (of sorts) of shitty things that people can do and how they would effect me and hold some grudges. (I ask myself this because it seems like it would give me a little more meaning and insight into my friendships, who I can trust, etc.)

the problems are:
#1. I don't think it's fair to force myself to have values that I don't innately have. values are supposed to be gut reactions, aren't they?
#1b. how would said list be composed? I don't take things personally and I don't remember a lot of people who have done shitty things to me because I don't bother remembering.
#2. is it fair for me to suddenly decide to act like this after all of the trust that I have broken?
#3. would this benefit me at all?

so now I will take my space and I will decide. I guess if I decide that I want to hold grudges, I'll have to behave a little more cautiously so as to not break the trust that others invest in me. maybe that's why I don't bother holding grudges...it would be terribly hypocritical of me.

anyway, a special shoutout to matt g. for helping me last night, a serious apology to anyone I was a real shit to last night (I'm quite the belligerent drunk I've been told), and remember folks: don't have drinks & break sinks. not a good combo, forreals.