new, jew years resolutions

so every year yom kippur kind of puts me in a very sacred place, this year especially. it always seems like there's one line in the siddur that calls out to me, because of my experiences in the past year, month, week, etc. last year the line was from the morning service, a part that said "for not tolerating in others the faults that we tolerate in ourselves" which just rang true and resonated with me. this year that line was during n'ila (נעילה). it said "we have prayed for the impossible...love without sacrifice." I never saw this line before. maybe it's because I rarely make it to concluding services -- I'm usually passed out in bed -- but there was something about this line that made me look back at the past year and my (now 6-month) relationship with dan.

coming from the strongly independent person that I am, I'm infrequently willing to give up things. I have my own schedule and try to run my own life without other people interfering because, well, most of the time they aren't worth my time. sounds terrible, but most times I would rather be focusing on bettering myself (maybe it's because I have a lot of bettering to do). that isn't to say that I don't give back to my community -- I really try to do so or try to do something that gives of my own time -- but I'm one of those people who is content for the most part being alone, going out once or twice a week, but I can stay to myself and be very happy. this is a skill that I really learned last year and it took a lot of time and focus. I don't think there are many people who enjoy being by themselves, most people get lonely.

anyway, coming from me (and you all know how I am and how fiercely independent I get sometimes), learning to love someone meant I had to make sacrifices -- sacrifices that I don't usually want to make. but, it's for the better. it's hard for me to rely on other people, but I'm glad that I've made that sacrifice and taken that leap of faith. I'm glad that I've incorporated someone else's schedule into mine and given up some of my time for someone else. it's very much worth it.

another thing that stuck a chord this year was something my rabbi said -- yom kippur isn't about looking back on the year and seeing all the ways we intentionally did wrong for two reasons:
1. hopefully, those times of malicious intent are infrequent, and;
2. most times, we can identify when we're intentionally doing wrong and feel guilty about it.
nope. yom kippur is about all those times that you aren't realizing you're offending someone. something that slips out, or something that happens entirely by accident, but really hurts someone else. that's what yom kippur is about. and that's something that people also overlook because they usually focus on the big things that they feel guilt for. instead, try looking at how all the things you do affect everyone around you, and you'll get more out of the atonement prayers you're saying.

so, next year when you're sitting in shul and you're actually ripping your hair out you're so bored, thinking of all the food you'll have at break fast (thanks for breaking out the demi-sec this year, mom!), take a look at what you're saying. there's a lot of meaning in yom kippur, but it's often overshadowed by the lack of food and the frustration we all feel with that. I'm not one for ra-ra spirituality, but when you find meaning in what you're saying and you put your mind (I don't say heart because it sounds way too cheesy) into it all, reflect and think introspectively, you'll forget about the food you aren't eating. promise.