a sad realization or a liberation?

I know I say many times that I'm not sympathetic, patient or empathetic and I'm often insensitive, and I accept myself for that, but watching videos on the life of rabbi heschel and listening to really powerful speakers the past couple of days has really got me thinking about being that kind of person. and so I'm at another existential dilemma (thanks, dr. dov).

I've said for a long time that, quoting audrey hepburn, "you have to look at yourself objectively. analyze yourself like an instrument. you have to be absolutely frank with yourself. face your handicaps, don't try to hide them. instead, develop something else." now I guess this is kind of pertinent to the mini-crisis at hand simply because, looking at myself objectively, I have to decide if being calloused is, in fact, a handicap; is it an attribute that I should change?

my experiences would be the reason why I'm calloused. being hurt I guess here led to hurting others. that sounds pretty terrible actually -- very two-wrongs-make-a-right -- but I don't know if that's the case. I became calloused from my experiences and I "learned from them." I also did that thing that I do where I decide what's good for other people and here I decided that it's good to make other people experience this kind of pain. it makes them stronger. it builds character.

honestly I think I'm a pretty good person. I do care about people, I just see myself as a pragmatic optimist -- I want things to be good, I have a positive outlook on like (I'm not terribly cynical, just sarcastic) I just don't think that living in a contrived world is the way to go about things. people need to be honest to find themselves, to be their best person. but is it my responsibility to make them see their flaws? what is my role and when do I cross the line?

so I want to decide what I want to do, who I want to be. going to college is a good time to change. how do I balance the acceptance of my calloused, somewhat brazen personality and attributes (because that is, in the end, who I am and I cannot force myself to be something I am not) and my desire to improve the world. I want to care, I want to do acts of chesed. I just don't know how they fit into my personality.

so, for now, I'll be thinking about such things. oh, and how I want my jewish identity to unfold in the next few years but it's a little late (and this post is a little long) for that right now. new music? check out the new mgmt cd, congratulations. some weird stuff, but some preeeeetty good stuff on there.