legitimacy, what?

in the spirit of palaniuk's choke, I edited my syntax slightly for this post.

my brilliant mother checked the alarm system last night and discovered that the alarm went off at 11pm last night. she asked me if I had really slept at a friend's house last night.
see also: I lied.
see also: loss of trust.
see also: parental hatred of boyfriend.

regardless, this is absurd. the system that my mother has devised (I limit this to the mother because the father has little do to with ruling in the house) provides me with no way to win. I simply cannot ever succeed. now, this is like a very clever choose-your-own-ending that my mother has devised. a nice little labyrinth that has your standard minotaur, cerberus, medusa and cyclops at each end.

option #1: I tell mom that dan, being amazing, surprised me when I got off amtrak at penn station and he is sleeping over. answer: abso-fucking-lutely not. result: minotaur mauling.
option #2: I tell mom that dan surprised me but he slept at home and I slept at jenna's (as planned). answer: "sarah, I wasn't born yesterday." result: cerberus strangling.
option #3: I tell mom that dan surprised me but he has college friends staying with him so I was forced to sleep at jenna's. answer: to be discussed. result: medusa munching.
option #4: I do not tell mom that dan came home at all. answer: I cannot ever go visit dan because apparently he doesn't care about me enough to come to see me so I should not chase him. result: cyclops crushing.

I chose option #3. granted, I only told mom that dan surprised me today, when she crossed the border, but that wasn't a problem. nope, instead she opted to check the alarm system when she got home. granted, had I gone with option #4 the same scenario would have unfolded, but a little differently. open scene:

[enter me, sitting on my bed, on the phone with dan. mom knocks on door and opens it.]
mom: sarah, can you please get off the phone?
me: sure. [simply put the phone down, do not hang up.]
mom: no. get off the phone.
me: [saying goodnight to dan, hang up the phone.] what's up mom?
mom: what's jenna's mom's phone number? I want to make sure that's really where you slept last night. unless it isn't in which case tell me know. [interjection: I should have told mom at that point and I knew earlier that something was up because mom was being weird. she's pretty easy to read. regardless...]
me: jenna's mom wasn't home. they were in florida.
mom: and you slept there last night?
me: [looking away.] yes. ugh.
mom: then why did the alarm go off at 11pm last night? did someone break into our house?
me: nope, I slept at home. [interjection: I am a pushover with my parents.]
mom: and dan slept here too.
me: yep.
mom: I do not want my house to be used.
me: well there's no way for me to win, is there?
mom: I hope you know, we do not trust you anymore.
[exit mom, leave me sitting on my bed, semi-speechless but not amazed.]
(ps all you crazy burgerlers, we have a gnarly alarm system. if I can't break into my house and I know the code, you will certainly not have an easy time breaking in either.)

anyway, it doesn't really matter. losing my parents' trust isn't such a huge deal simply because I'm hardly reliant on them anymore. sure, I get allowance and saturday night pickups, but do I really need those things? nope, they just happen to be luxuries. I don't want to sound old (I know I do, though) but I have a job and I can crash out of the house on saturday nights. and weeknights too. I have a nice network of people who like me enough to house me.

all I'm saying is that there is no way to win in the current system. I was never like david who just one year stopped listening to parents. granted, dad never really cared as much, so maybe that added to it, but david just never really needed to listen. he was selfish enough to request what he wanted, spoiled enough to get what he wanted, lucky enough to not get caught breaking the rules & sheltered enough that, when he did get caught breaking the rules, it never became a major problem. I never behaved like that. I always listened to mom and dad and maybe that's the problem. david established himself as an adult even as a 16 year old living in the house. I, at almost 18, have yet to do that; of course my parents recognize that I have a job and my own bank account and a life, but they don't quite see me as an adult, as someone capable of making her own decisions. I'm still coaxed into going to bed early because I "get cranky if I don't get enough sleep" and no one, not even my parents, should have to deal with me cranky. there should be sunshine out of my ass all the time, you didn't know?

anyway, maybe it's time to cut the cord. sometimes I think that and it scares me but it's an empowering idea. sometimes though, I do think that maybe I'm getting myself into trouble here -- that I'm separating from my family (david, mom, dad). I'm a little bit confused. I can't bring myself to give anything, anyone up, but I can't quite get myself to live by rules that are messed-up, playing in a game that is impossible to win. so, at what point do I give myself legitimacy as an adult (18 in a matter of weeks, hardly) and where does my family fit in that? how do all these things resolve? there just doesn't seem to be an answer that fits.
see also: family divorce.
see also: loneliness.
see also: isolation.