okay, independence.

so I was working in the park today and I realized that being in a relationship sometimes makes it difficult to be independent. I'm not talking about being my own person (I'm quite good at being an individual thank-you-very-much), I'm talking about being comfortable with being alone and not letting the idea of loneliness overwhelm and absorb you. I was talking to one of my best friends today, someone I've known for a really long time and she said that she was feeling lonely again. she has felt lonely a lot this year. I realized when I told her that I had nothing constructive to say (because nothing I would say would get her out of the rut) that I did, in fact, have something to say: when you're lonely, and down, and upset, you cannot focus on it and let it become who you are. if you're feeling any one of those things or more, you need to accept it and gracefully move on. granted, I feel that way about pretty much any emotion, but this seems like the most shrewd way to go about handling those feelings.

what followed that idea was the question: why do I have such a problem with losing my complete independence and comfortability with being alone? is that unnatural?
I realized that when I publicly thanked my grade for making me independent (partially because of a disconnect that I felt, partially because I took it upon myself to learn such a skill) and that I am a different person now than I was in freshman year, 3 years ago, I was telling myself and them that my independence is something that I have worked really hard for and it isn't something that I'm willing to just release; it took me 3 years to get to where I am now, and I'm not ready to throw away all of that progress for a relationship.

now this makes things difficult. where is the balance between my comfort (and, since it's now in my comfort zone, a craving) with loneliness and my desire to be with someone else a good part of the time? what's more, I've used my loneliness to build a life and regimented schedule for myself -- so where does someone else fit in? it's not fair to make someone give 100% and for me to give nothing, but it's difficult for me to give in even 50% because it means losing 50% of the work I've done and the life I've established over the past few years. what's worse is that I know that once I break up with whoever I work into my life (assuming that I date more than one person over the course of the next 10-15 years) I'll have to again rebuild 50% of my life and regiment.

maybe it's a good thing that I'll have to constantly rebuild; maybe it'll force me to constantly reevaluate my situation and will force me to try new things (all good things in my book) but it's still super scary and means I could lose so much of the progress that I have made. ah well, time will tell.

in the meantime, check out metric, a pretty word band with a good electro-synth-pop feel. think less mgmt though and more apples in stereo.