radical amazement, a la ajh?

so I was sitting in shul tonight and I was listening to the prayers and praying along when I realized during some prayer that neither I, nor my entire congregation, should be praying aloud -- it was technically the part that my rabbi (or any chazan) would be saying alone in order to lead the service. but no, my entire congregation (which was maybe 30 people -- probably only one of whom was younger than me and that would be noah, my younger brother) was praying aloud along with my (female) rabbi and (female) cantor.

this is something that really used to irk me. I was so used to a traditional egalitarian/conservative prayer service for so many years (being that that's what I grew up with in my conservative middle school) that I would hate when people would pray with my rabbi/cantor when she/they were supposed to be the only one/ones singing or speaking. it was a reason why I really loathed going to shul and for a very long time seriously asked my parents to let me go to a different shul (that and the amount of english that used to overwhelm the service, which also used to really bother me).

but tonight I realized the beauty in everyone singing along. I know we don't do a traditional motzei shabbat (friday night) service at my shul with the traditional songs and being on the shabbaton last weekend reaffirmed how much I really do love and miss the egalitarian tunes and melodies and friday night service in general, but sitting in shul tonight I realized how beautiful the ignorance in my community was. the thing is, because I go to a reform shul, no one really knows when it's supposed to be just the rabbi speaking as opposed to when the entire congregation is supposed to join in. while this bothered me for a while, I think I didn't see it in the right way for those years; I was wrapped up in my own bubble and wasn't exposing myself to, what should be, my own traditions and customs. I've always been in a difficult place in my shul because my background (while not very extensive) still makes me more knowledgeable than many people there. tonight though, I opened myself up to my own congregation and our customs and traditions, as traditionally "incorrect" as they may be.

I guess this is one example of what rabbi heschel (ajh = abraham joshua heschel) might have considered to be radical amazement. I was really struck by my community praying together, even though I've experienced it so many times. I was moved by everyone praying as a community as opposed to looking to one person to lead us in song and prayer. it's a really beautiful concept that I might only find in my congregation at my shul, and it's not really something I've ever appreciated, or even approved of, before.

so as much as it isn't really what I grew up with, it was a very beautiful, moving night in shul for me and I'm glad (and proud of myself) that I opened myself up to another of my own traditions, one that I used to frown upon. good old heschel and his radical amazement. you never fail me.