I want to be alone from now on. no more relying on people. no more looking for other people.
I'm happiest alone. (all I have to do now is repeat it a hundred thousand times.)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
get up off your ass...and learn for once.
face it. we all, pretty much all the time, take the easy way out. that means we need to all pull our heads out of our asses and take a challenge. I realized today that I don't want to make the same mistake I made during high school: I don't want to pick a course or a topic that will seem "easier" just to alleviate some of the burden. I don't think I missed much in terms of high school projects, but I could have certainly learned more, explored more. I envision myself as this intricate, complex, constantly changing character with a wide range of interests and knowledge -- pretty much the person that I won't be unless I actually challenge myself to learn things I didn't already know.
maybe I can phrase it up in the common idiom, "staying in your comfort zone." you know what you know, you like what you like, you know what you like, you like what you know. I do it, we all do it (this isn't just a silly generalization). how many times have you, or I for that matter, done a project or a paper on a topic you were already knowledgeable about for the sheer fact that you (or I) didn't want to work as hard and invest as much energy to get a good grade?
...I'm embarrassed to raise my hand.
point proven. and here I stand, ready to go to college and be an adult, ready to face psychological, emotional and physical challenges...and I'm not mature enough to step out of my comfort zone and invest more effort to learn something new?
now I'm not one to stay within my comfort zone. I've done different summer programs each year, I have ventured to foreign countries by myself, I take classes by myself, I have a job (which gives me a totally new group of people I expose myself to), and the list continues. but, when it comes to schoolwork I always want to relearn things so I can get a good grade as opposed to new knowledge. it's time I grew up, and quite frankly, cut the shit. how will I ever change and grow and develop as a person with real interests if I don't explore new interests when I have the opportunity to? I have my whole grown-up life to live when I'll be expected to be knowledgeable on certain topics, and a to be a neophyte when it comes to others.
therefore, I challenge myself the following:
when it comes time for college, electives, summer programs, papers, projects -- any opportunities to expose myself to something new, I will try my best to take interest. I will push myself to learn new things. it sounds silly, but it's going to be surprisingly hard. in learning new things I will sacrifice the time I'll have for things I already love. no matter the outcome though, I'll come out with new knowledge -- maybe it'll reinforce my preconceived beliefs, maybe it'll shatter them; either option is a good thing.
and hence, time to step out of the comfort zone.
aside from taking up an extra pilates class (with a new teacher, mind you!) and trying free yoga, I'm also seeing the strokes on thursday with my older brother. and there you have it: breaking out of the comfort zone.
maybe I can phrase it up in the common idiom, "staying in your comfort zone." you know what you know, you like what you like, you know what you like, you like what you know. I do it, we all do it (this isn't just a silly generalization). how many times have you, or I for that matter, done a project or a paper on a topic you were already knowledgeable about for the sheer fact that you (or I) didn't want to work as hard and invest as much energy to get a good grade?
...I'm embarrassed to raise my hand.
point proven. and here I stand, ready to go to college and be an adult, ready to face psychological, emotional and physical challenges...and I'm not mature enough to step out of my comfort zone and invest more effort to learn something new?
now I'm not one to stay within my comfort zone. I've done different summer programs each year, I have ventured to foreign countries by myself, I take classes by myself, I have a job (which gives me a totally new group of people I expose myself to), and the list continues. but, when it comes to schoolwork I always want to relearn things so I can get a good grade as opposed to new knowledge. it's time I grew up, and quite frankly, cut the shit. how will I ever change and grow and develop as a person with real interests if I don't explore new interests when I have the opportunity to? I have my whole grown-up life to live when I'll be expected to be knowledgeable on certain topics, and a to be a neophyte when it comes to others.
therefore, I challenge myself the following:
when it comes time for college, electives, summer programs, papers, projects -- any opportunities to expose myself to something new, I will try my best to take interest. I will push myself to learn new things. it sounds silly, but it's going to be surprisingly hard. in learning new things I will sacrifice the time I'll have for things I already love. no matter the outcome though, I'll come out with new knowledge -- maybe it'll reinforce my preconceived beliefs, maybe it'll shatter them; either option is a good thing.
and hence, time to step out of the comfort zone.
aside from taking up an extra pilates class (with a new teacher, mind you!) and trying free yoga, I'm also seeing the strokes on thursday with my older brother. and there you have it: breaking out of the comfort zone.
Monday, January 11, 2010
above all, think.
I had two really great ideas for blogs (and a really good line for a poem) but I totally forgot everything.
all I really want to do anymore is read my nicholas sparks book. I love him. too bad miley cyrus is going to play ronnie (the protagonist) in the last song. ew.
maybe my thoughts will hit me again. who knows.
this time I'll be carrying around my moleskine to write them down in.
music update: check out the high road by broken bells, the kick ass pseudonym of danger mouse (producer of the genius and mad illegal "grey album" and co-conspirator of gnarls barkley) & james mercer (lead vocalist & guitarist of the shins). the high road, pretty much their pre-album single. their album comes out march 9, but if you're super daring I would download the album that was leaked to the internet in december.
much love.
all I really want to do anymore is read my nicholas sparks book. I love him. too bad miley cyrus is going to play ronnie (the protagonist) in the last song. ew.
maybe my thoughts will hit me again. who knows.
this time I'll be carrying around my moleskine to write them down in.
music update: check out the high road by broken bells, the kick ass pseudonym of danger mouse (producer of the genius and mad illegal "grey album" and co-conspirator of gnarls barkley) & james mercer (lead vocalist & guitarist of the shins). the high road, pretty much their pre-album single. their album comes out march 9, but if you're super daring I would download the album that was leaked to the internet in december.
much love.
Friday, January 8, 2010
a future in feminism
I think about what I want to do with my future and I know that I want to study people. people watching, analyzing other people, picking other people's brains, looking at gender roles in society -- that's what I love to do. so I thought to myself today, why don't I just major in gender studies? I know that's a major at Barnard and it's probably a major at most other places, so why don't I just do that?
then I was talking to raymond and he told me he's taking a gender psychology course next semester and I wondered why I had never thought about that. I want to study psychology at college, I want to study gender roles and sociology, so why don't I study gender psychology (sociology, I think, is more of an umbrella term)?
also, I've been reading these wonderful feminist books and it almost makes me wish that I had lived during the women's revolution in the 1970's. there were so many radical ideas and yes, the movement did have a huge internal rift once the porn wars rolled around, but it was really a time of change.
so the books I've been reading have been from the early 2000's. it's a new decade (corny, I know). so what will feminism become now? what will be the new definition of "new-age" feminism?
these are the keywords (yes, yes, how truly futuristic of me) of what I see in my generation: sexual liberation, image discomfort, a constant desire for improvement, perfectionism, beauty in choice, breaking the double standard. maybe that's me being idealistic, but it's what I see my generation (that will be 27 by the start of the next decade -- WOW). let's hope that this is what our college years and 20's bring. seems like a good thing to ask for.
in the meantime, let's do what we can to bring awareness to women's issues. we're in the 21st century; read a feminist blog, read (and critique if you want!) womenomics online, check out all the courses offered in gender studies (an area of growing interest, I hope). no matter what, do your part. stay informed on the latest court decision about emergency contraceptive, and figure out who you want to be and what you want to do with your gender in this decade. it's a time of change and everyone is on the bandwagon. I hate to sound like I'm a follower, but for the sake of intelligence and change, are you in?
much love.
then I was talking to raymond and he told me he's taking a gender psychology course next semester and I wondered why I had never thought about that. I want to study psychology at college, I want to study gender roles and sociology, so why don't I study gender psychology (sociology, I think, is more of an umbrella term)?
also, I've been reading these wonderful feminist books and it almost makes me wish that I had lived during the women's revolution in the 1970's. there were so many radical ideas and yes, the movement did have a huge internal rift once the porn wars rolled around, but it was really a time of change.
so the books I've been reading have been from the early 2000's. it's a new decade (corny, I know). so what will feminism become now? what will be the new definition of "new-age" feminism?
these are the keywords (yes, yes, how truly futuristic of me) of what I see in my generation: sexual liberation, image discomfort, a constant desire for improvement, perfectionism, beauty in choice, breaking the double standard. maybe that's me being idealistic, but it's what I see my generation (that will be 27 by the start of the next decade -- WOW). let's hope that this is what our college years and 20's bring. seems like a good thing to ask for.
in the meantime, let's do what we can to bring awareness to women's issues. we're in the 21st century; read a feminist blog, read (and critique if you want!) womenomics online, check out all the courses offered in gender studies (an area of growing interest, I hope). no matter what, do your part. stay informed on the latest court decision about emergency contraceptive, and figure out who you want to be and what you want to do with your gender in this decade. it's a time of change and everyone is on the bandwagon. I hate to sound like I'm a follower, but for the sake of intelligence and change, are you in?
much love.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
yep, thought so.
texted. imed.
(I feel silly and inadequate saying those things as if they're significant because it only further shows how the growth of technology has lead to the decline of human interaction.)
not lonely.
for those who are?
check out the vampire weekend cd, Contra, that comes out on the 12th.
enjoy some love.
(I feel silly and inadequate saying those things as if they're significant because it only further shows how the growth of technology has lead to the decline of human interaction.)
not lonely.
for those who are?
check out the vampire weekend cd, Contra, that comes out on the 12th.
enjoy some love.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
music & more.
I'm trying hard:
...not to miss you. (but I do.)
...or think about you. (I'm failing.)
...or have feelings for you. (I can't help it.)
...or regret sleeping with you. (I was an idiot.)
I want to forget about you. this sucks.
on a lighter, more positive note, one thing getting me through is npr's All Song Considered, Listener's Pick the Best Music of 2009.
check it out: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121103815
download some love. I did.
...not to miss you. (but I do.)
...or think about you. (I'm failing.)
...or have feelings for you. (I can't help it.)
...or regret sleeping with you. (I was an idiot.)
I want to forget about you. this sucks.
on a lighter, more positive note, one thing getting me through is npr's All Song Considered, Listener's Pick the Best Music of 2009.
check it out: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121103815
download some love. I did.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
sometimes it's just that easy. (but most times it's not.)
at what point do we give up? when do we realize that the fight just isn't worth fighting, that it isn't worth it anymore? do we always coast along until we get hurt? if yes, why is that the case? why can't we stop the hurt by means of retrospection and introspection?
I guess this is the problem I'm facing right now. it's going to be so hard to give him up and move on, but we just don't see eye to eye. and, the sad truth is, we never will. he will never want the emotional attachment that I feel for him. in many ways this is a flipped situation: I usually don't let myself get attached, but I did. he usually loves being in relationships, with me he doesn't.
this whole situation is fucked up.
welcome to january 3rd, 2010. I'm still living in the la-la-land of august 1st, 2009. 5 months later and I'm still not over it when I should be. giving him up will be so hard, but I need to. even if it's just not calling him or texting him or talking to him daily. let him talk to me. let him initiate a hangout. it's going to be hard, waiting. waiting is always hard. but I can do it. willpower. a strong, competitive female spirit. ignoring the debates in my head. caring again. throwing myself passionately into something.
it's not going to be easy, but at least I know that.
I guess this is the problem I'm facing right now. it's going to be so hard to give him up and move on, but we just don't see eye to eye. and, the sad truth is, we never will. he will never want the emotional attachment that I feel for him. in many ways this is a flipped situation: I usually don't let myself get attached, but I did. he usually loves being in relationships, with me he doesn't.
this whole situation is fucked up.
welcome to january 3rd, 2010. I'm still living in the la-la-land of august 1st, 2009. 5 months later and I'm still not over it when I should be. giving him up will be so hard, but I need to. even if it's just not calling him or texting him or talking to him daily. let him talk to me. let him initiate a hangout. it's going to be hard, waiting. waiting is always hard. but I can do it. willpower. a strong, competitive female spirit. ignoring the debates in my head. caring again. throwing myself passionately into something.
it's not going to be easy, but at least I know that.
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